Appearing In: Quake III: Arena (PC)
Zack:This woman doesn't look like she should be fighting in some sort of futuristic battleground. She looks like she should be in a trailer neglecting some children so she can fuck a teenage waiter from Big Boy while her trucker husband is out on a long haul.
Dr. Thorpe:Yikes, I'll never be able to look at my junior high history teacher the same way again.
Zack:She weighs 170lbs, counting only her breasts.
Dr. Thorpe:She's not the good kind of buxom that video games have led me to expect, though. Although who am I to say what the good kind of buxom is? She is what you call a "BBW." Or at least a "BW."
Zack:I like that they managed to give her cellulite covered ass perfect symmetry. At least that aspect is aesthetically pleasing.
Dr. Thorpe:That's hard to do in real life. Believe me, I've tried.
Zack:I wonder if there is fan fiction written for Lucy? She wasn't really in any sort of story in the game, but it wouldn't surprise me if someone on the Internet was just entranced by her unique looks and couldn't help but ponder how she might pleasure Harry Potter.
Dr. Thorpe:Well, the question immediately suggests itself.
Zack:Harry's tongue worked beneath the naugahyde cup of her bodice like a snake gaining entrance beneath a sewer lid pressed into hot cookie dough. Lucy jiggled with ecstasy and let out a beery gasp.
Dr. Thorpe:Harry let out an ambiguous groan of strong but undefined emotion.
Zack:While Harry wantonly palmed her pie-sized areola Snape positioned himself behind the young wizard. I'm just saying, I've read hundreds of Harry Potter fanfics and I'm pretty sure Snape fucks Harry Potter in every one of them.
Dr. Thorpe:Totally. But keep in mind that somebody is jerking off to this right now.
Zack:People are probably jerking off to the letter "h" back on page four right now. In a world where everything arouses some group on the Internet it's hard to worry about people masturbating to what you do.
Dr. Thorpe:Yeah, you might as well learn to enjoy it. You can even toy with them. Check this out: Ren and Stimpy Doug XXX Rugrats shitting. Somebody just looked for that on Google and found this site and is incredibly disappointed.
Zack:Or are they?
Dr. Thorpe:I'll throw them a bone. Ren traced his bony finger around Doug's nipple and looked at him incredulously. "Does thees not turn you on, Doug!?" Doug sighed, still exhausted from his two-hour session with Tommy. "There's something I need you to do for me, Ren. Turn around."
Zack:There, see, every Fashion SWAT article aims to please every potential audience like no other column on the Internet!
Dr. Thorpe:We're pathetic in our need to be loved!
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.