Appearing In: Street Fighter Alpha (PS2)
Zack:The hole in his mohawk makes him faster.
Dr. Thorpe:Only when he's running sideways though. Also, the strategically curved shoes make him faster when he's falling down on his face.
Zack:He looks so tragic. Like he lost control of his rage and he killed a bunch of Keebler elves with that screwdriver. "Oh lawd, what has birdie done, what has birdie done? They said tha O'Boise's was O-boisterous, but I hain't had no notion what they would come ta."
Dr. Thorpe:He's so hunched an melancholy, he's got the tragic air of a literary halfwit like Lenny from Of Mice and Men. He just wanted to pet the elves.
Zack:Yeah, I was envisioning some sort of Faulknerian man-child. He has no concept of his own strength or the fragility of those poor elves.
Dr. Thorpe:He's got a hole in his mohawk from getting kicked in the head by a mule when he was a boy.
Zack:Definite evidence of head trauma. I think you can see the outline of a hoof on his skull.
Dr. Thorpe:He's got a potato peeler in his hand. Maybe he joined the army and got put on permanent KP duty because of his low mental faculties.
Zack:I think this is what Japanese people think black hoodlums look like in America: enormous, sad, chained, with a lockpick, a grudge and some sort of cross between a prison uniform and a Buck Rogers costume.
Dr. Thorpe:You'll never see a Japanese depiction of a black man without a knife in his hand. So basically they're like the American media. Think about it: whenever you see Birdie on the news, he's committing a crime.
Zack:Yeah, they never talk about the good things Birdie does like clean our buildings after hours or provide valuable data in our uninformed observational Hepatitis studies.
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.