Dr. Thorpenstein: You really have to be careful how you hit on dudes in this costume because some of them may have been through some dark shit when they were younger.
Dr. Thorpenstein: Like statistically if you're wearing this thing in LA amid a crowd of thirtysomethings, like 1 in 20 of them is going to burst out crying and run out the door.
Zackula: Let's be honest here, Michael Jackson was pretty much LA's 9-11, in slow motion, with Jesus juice and roller coasters instead of terrorists and airplanes.
Dr. Thorpenstein: I really like that this is called the "Billie Jean" costume, because it kind of implies Michael Jackson got a girl who looked exactly like him pregnant, and then when she showed him the photo he's like "oh my god, that child looks exactly like me."
Dr. Thorpenstein: No, idiot, it looks like HER! You're off the hook!
Zackula: If you're Michael Jackson and this is your girlfriend that's totally fine. I mean, you're a ghost, obviously, but his track record shows his two interests were having weird children and marrying someone who looked like him.
Dr. Thorpenstein: Well, I think I speak for America when I say that I'm totally OK with whatever egregious shit Michael Jackson ever perpetrated in the bedroom, because they never proved it and those Culkin boys were undeniably succulent.
Zackula: Corey Feldman was totally fair game too.
Dr. Thorpenstein: I'm going to do a couples costume this year: my girlfriend is going to be Sexy Michael Jackson and I'm going to be Sexy Corey Feldman.
Zackula: Go as Feldman dressed as Sexy Michael Jackson. When he was going through his Michael Jackson phase he would show up on CNN to baffle Larry King with the discount version of Michael Jackson's sequined fascism.
Dr. Thorpenstein: By the way, is it a little weird that Sexy Michael Jackson is somehow a way bigger stretch than Sexy Grinch?
Zackula: I don't know, but Corey Feldman would totally be into the Billie Jean costume.
Dr. Thorpenstein: You'd somehow have to get it back to him as a weird child, but the Corey Feldman Time Machine market is actually a huge part of the GDP (he has a ton of money because he has a time machine).
Zackula: So that's how he erased Corey Haim from history. I wondered why my License to Drive poster was suddenly all Feldman.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.