Dr. Thorpe: This Oscar Wilde costume isn't bad, but it might play up the "gay" angle a little too much.

Zack: I think this is supposed to be the new Willy Wonka. Although since no one saw that movie it's a safe bet this costume is just going to get you robbed and hit on by elderly guys in berets a lot.

Dr. Thorpe: There was more to Oscar Wilde than just his flamboyant dress and foppish manner. Like, for example, he also had droll witticisms, like "either that wallpaper goes, or I come up with another droll witticism."

Zack: And then if you're lucky you'll die at that moment.

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, Oscar's particular brand of zings were really effective because they made you just really, really wish he didn't exist.

Zack: Sort of like Samuel Clemens except instead of writing about children as a commentary on the times Oscar Wilde fucked children as a commentary on the times.

Dr. Thorpe: I never heard about him being a pedophile, but look at this costume. That's not for luring adults into bed, that's for sure.

Zack: Oh, I don't know, he probably wasn't a pedophile. But one of the best things about him being dead is that you can make up whatever you want about him and people will believe it. Like the time Oscar Wilde fought that dinosaur. That was crazy.

Dr. Thorpe: Also, if you're ever hanging out with a bunch of total squares and you come up with a really good snap on one of them, just tell them Oscar Wilde said it and they'll go "bravo!" instead of being all offended.

Zack: "Oscar Wilde said that your momma so fat when she gets off the couch the whole planet raises an inch."

Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, exactly. Or if there's a guy named Brian who's getting on your nerves, just say "Brian, to quote Oscar Wilde, you are a real piece of shit."

Zack: It even works if you're giving a speech. "My white brothers, in the immortal words of Oscar Wilde, WHITE PRIDE WORLD WIDE!"

Dr. Thorpe: And then everyone will do that little society laugh where something isn't actually funny but they're acknowledging the fact that they're cultured enough to potentially find it funny.

Zack: Like tittering at a comic in the New Yorker.

Dr. Thorpe: Well, maybe the little society laugh wouldn't happen at the white pride rally, but you get my point.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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