Dr. Thorpe:Okay, here's our challenge for this one: no gay jokes allowed.
Zack:If this is what "star-spangled" means I want the banner torn down and fully washed.
Dr. Thorpe:In terms of this picture, that's like telling Chris Rock to "stay away from the race thing" or telling Andrew Dice Clay not to mention how much he hates women.
Zack:This guy watched one too many George Michael videos in his trailer and came to the wrong conclusions about cool.
Dr. Thorpe:He's even got the stubble, which was clearly created using eye shadow. He said "okay, if I have some stubble and pop my collar and stand at this irreverent angle, everyone's going to think I'm a badass." But he forgot that he lost a game of wits with a genie and was cursed to wear that jacket all his days.
Zack:I mean really, what is with the stars everywhere on this thing? Is he trying to recreate the night sky on his jean jacket? Are those swatches of pastel blue and lavender supposed to be nebulas? I think I can I use a sextant and actually get somewhere good using this image.
Dr. Thorpe:He's also got little chains hanging off it. I'm not sure what they're supposed to mean. Maybe he's a biker, or maybe his flesh is about to get ripped apart by Cenobites.
Zack:I'm enjoying imagining the ad copy on this one. "BE A STAR with our denim cosmos jacket. You can amaze your friends with this sparkling and too-hip outfit that works great with two belts and lots of attaching ornamental chains. Available in Small and Girlishly Small."
Dr. Thorpe:"Tired of getting beat up at school? Fool those bullies with extreme reverse psychology!"
Zack:"Our luxuriant denim jacket includes plenty of room on the sleeves for your marching bend patches." If this jacket were made in the 90s the pink and blue would be gone and on the back there would be a huge vinyl application image of the Tasmanian devil.
Dr. Thorpe:Man, I knew I said I'd stay away from the gay jokes, but you get the feeling that even beating that dude up would make you feel implicated in some sort of weird gay process.
Zack:On the plus side you could probably tie him to a fence post with all those chains.
Dr. Thorpe:Zack, you've gone too far! High five!
Zack:Oh sure, joke about the president but not Matthew Shephard. I'm just trying to keep the red-staters happy.
Dr. Thorpe:They're always happy, as long as men are men and women are teenagers raising unwanted babies.
Zack:And as long as ivory tower liberal academics in league with the gay agenda aren't speaking their mind. I guess we're in trouble.
Dr. Thorpe:To be fair, my only "gay agenda" is spending an afternoon talking about fashion.
Zack:That's a pretty big red mark on your gay agenda card from their perspective. We have to quit doing this and talk about things like footballs and explosions.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.