Dr. Thorpe:The Bay City Rollers are all grown up, and they've got some serious shit to attend to.
Zack:Were men ever that skinny? I mean human men, of course.
Dr. Thorpe:You'd think that guys that skinny would at least consider wearing belts. That's why the two on the right have their hands in their pockets. If they took them out, their pants would slide right down their nonexistent hips.
Zack:And the pleats, my God they could slice tomatoes on those pleats.
Dr. Thorpe:You could grate carrots on those shirt patterns, too.
Zack:Yeah, if you want your salads to look like a Pollock painting.
Dr. Thorpe:I wonder if it's just our retrospective gaze that makes all this masculine camaraderie look like homoerotic horseplay.
Zack:The guy in the middle looks like an action figure, look at his action pose. Pete Gobottom, adventurer at large. Do you think MANATCA could take these guys in a fight? I mean they look lively livelier, but MANATCA, come on.
Dr. Thorpe:I don't know, these guys have Action Dan, his plastic hands already curled into fists.
Zack:Their smiles are so innocent. They're not thinking of other guys, they're not even thinking of other girls, they're thinking of T-birds and footballs.
Dr. Thorpe:The guy on the left is definitely thinking about the American Dream.
Zack:"Hey, isn't the American flag amazing?" "Yes Chip, almost as amazing as astronauts."
Dr. Thorpe:They may look a little fruity to modern audiences, but each and every one of those men can swing an axe. I guarantee it. They've got real American grit under all that polyester.
Zack:Three of them probably went on to become senators or at least in a band called "The Senators."
Dr. Thorpe:I wonder where all those clothes went? Are they all on hipsters now? You'd think they'd all be sitting unused in Salvation Army shops. But you never see a hobo dressed like that. God knows you want to.
Zack:Hobos can't keep pleats that crisp. Plus they need their hands out of their pockets to fend off shivs. Maybe if you look close enough you'll eventually see a guy with a bindle and a shopping cart wearing some of those slacks with a rope tied around his waist.
Dr. Thorpe:More of a belt than these dudes can muster, at least.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.