Zack:Kids are pretty easy targets when it comes to bad fashion. Either their tasteless parents have dressed them like retarded dolls or they have dressed themselves. We're all about easy targets here at Fashion SWAT, but just making fun of kid's fashion might be a bit too easy.
Dr. Thorpe:When Something Awful forum member Ken Gorski alerted us to the majesty of the school science fair, we knew that we would have to do a Fashion SWAT about it. So what if it has nothing to do with fashion! We don't care, and we don't think you will, either. Just suspend your disbelief and enjoy the ride.
Zack:That's right, it's the best of both worlds! We get to make fun of bad graphic design from kids. Please note that there were so many great pictures for this installment we probably could have done five of these articles. A sequel may be forthcoming.
Zack: Because you didn't pray enough, kid.
Dr. Thorpe: Because your parents fucking neglect you.
Dr. Thorpe: Hypothesis: my milk is lumpy because dad hasn't been home for a week.
Zack: Procedure: I stared at my milk and smelled my milk and then I ate hot sauce packets for breakfast
Dr. Thorpe: Results: I'm still hungry, but I have some little bags of parmesian cheese that came with a pizza dad ordered about eight months back.
Zack: Conclusion: I have food poisoning and the water got shut off in our house I don't think dad is coming back. Which is why my milk is lumpy.
Dr. Thorpe: If he gets a good grade on this, it ought to make up for his D+ on last week's art project, "I had to cut my own hair."
Zack: The only way that kid's shirt could be more patriotic is if it were hauling a bed full of footballs jammed into apple pies. Which is, coincidentally, what he will eat for dinner after the science fair.
Dr. Thorpe: Next year's project: are boiled footballs edible?
Zack: Conclusion: technically.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.