Zack: Ideal Pancreas 1 blew the roof off of the box office, so you knew there'd be a sequel.
Dr. Thorpe: See how she's kind of pale and sickly and slumping like that? I think that gives us a little clue as to the procedure involved in this project.
Step 1: Reggie punches a hole into Amber.
Step 2: Pancreas is carefully removed.
Zack: Step 3: Pancreas measured for idealness
Dr. Thorpe: Step 4: Pancreas determined to be ideal; pancreas discarded.
Zack: Tha ideal pancreas got a top that make you drop, a back end that don't stop and when you holla it go woop woop hell yeah
Dr. Thorpe: And the whole top diamond and the bottom row's gold.
Zack: And when you get it all worked up cristal pour up out the ducts
Dr. Thorpe: Smile for me daddy; what you lookin at? I'm lookin at your pancreas! Ya lookin at my WHAT? Ya pancreas, ya-ya-ya-pancreas!
Zack: I love these pictures because you can play guidance conselor with the kids. Amber, you're going to grow up and be really into cats. Reggie, you're going to be mauled by a Zamboni.
Dr. Thorpe: Poor Amber. See the look on her face? She's like, "why did I have to be stuck with the guy who's obsessed with pancreases AGAIN? I thought he got the pancreas shit out of his system with last year's project!"
Zack: "I was really hoping we could do something about clove cigarettes this year. I was going to do a really cool henna tattoo of the text for the project instead of having a poster."
Dr. Thorpe: But Reggie wouldn't have it, because last year he got so close to the ideal pancreas, he could just taste it, and he was just determined to nail it this year.
Zack: These two are an odd couple to be judging MY pancreas. I mean, can't we just accept that every pancreas is different and move on? Do we really have to find the perfect pancreas?
Zack: "Reggie, what are you doing in there? You've been locked in the bathroom for an hour!" "Just a couple more minutes, mom, I'm toning up my pancreas."
Dr. Thorpe: His dad died of pancreatic cancer and he's just been a little bit obsessed with pancreas health since then. It's actually pretty sad.
Zack: His dad didn't actually die though, he just had a sort of crappy one and he saw how crappy his pancreas was and Reggie's way of acting out was to strive to have that unattainable ideal pancreas.
Dr. Thorpe: Yeah, it's sad how everyone you see on TV has the ideal pancreas and our media-obsessed culture gets into their heads that everyone's pancreas has to be perfect. Listen up, girls: just because you don't have a pancreas like Paris Hilton doesn't mean your pancreas isn't perfectly functional in its own way.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.