Zack: This kid has a bright future in the penny cleaning industry.
Dr. Thorpe: Her parents are using the science fair to prepare her for the family business, which is running roadside stands where motorists can stop and boil their pennies. Clean pennies, while you wait! It's a slightly less lucrative offshoot of the comb boiling industry.
Zack: Which is itself a development of the massive stamp-steaming industrial complex.
Dr. Thorpe: Which is not to be confused with the Southern tradition of deep-frying Mars Bars.
Zack: I bet the different cleaning agents he used were like Coke, orange juice, water, root beer and penny cleaner.
Dr. Thorpe: Hypothesis: rut beer work beft
Zack: Procedure: put a penny ih mouf widda cleaner and swaller it
Dr. Thorpe: Conclusion: fuck
Zack: By the way, penny cleaner is made out of 20-molar acid.
Dr. Thorpe: This science fair photo is in loving memory of Betty Marie Lancer, 1992-2000.
Zack: "A well-meaning daughter who loved to taste things."
Zack: "Honey, I don't know about that epitaph..." "What?! She was eight years old, she didn't do shit."
Dr. Thorpe: Eventually they settled on "Our curious little angel."
Zack: They buried her in a special graveyard for all of the kids who suffocate in abandoned refrigerators or get their heads stuck in plastic bags.
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.