Dave: Here's a reimagining for you: what if Matthew Lillard's character in Hackers... became an alcoholic?

Zack: This is what happens when you forget to unvelcro the blood pressure cuff at the Walgreens. You walk off with it still on your arm and turn into a fat investment banker from the 1880s.

Dave: I want to give this guy props for one thing: you see a lot of big oversized shoulder plates out there in the post-Liefeld world, but this guy is holding it down for classic shoulder plate modesty.

Zack: He wasn't paying attention and accidentally ordered the babydoll shoulder plate.

Dave: That shoulder plate is just a hair above pathetic. Maybe that's why he's giving the photographer that look, cause he thinks they're going to be the 50th person to ask about it.

Dave: YES, I KNOW. They were out of husky men's shoulder plates, OK?

Zack: I bet you he stood in front of a mirror for like ten minutes arguing with himself whether to go tucked or untucked on that shirt.

Dave: This is a man who's bad with big decisions. That's why he's wearing a belt and suspenders.

Zack: No, I think that was probably the right call in his case. Maybe even go double suspenders.

Zack: I can imagine him hooking his thumbs in the suspenders and bragging to some other fat guy in a vest about his stock trades. "Yeppp, I deal mostly in tech stocks. Just cashed in my 401k and bought a ton of Yahoo."

Dave: I bet the alternate-universe Victorian era is the smartest time to buy Yahoo stock.

Zack: Huh? Now is the time! Yahoo is making their own browser based on Angry Birds that will run on Blackberries in 2013.

Dave: He's gonna cash in all his dotcom millions and invest it all in the next big fashion trend: glasses that make your eyes look super far apart. Fetal alcohol syndrome chic.

Zack: Not a bad investment. If you had fetal alcohol syndrome, for decades your only option for sunglasses were those comically giant ones they put on horses in movies.

Dave: You ever see the guy from Hoobastank in sunglasses? He looks like a hammerhead shark.

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About This Column

Fashion SWAT... the fashion industry is obsessed with impracticality. We know that what designers create was never meant to be worn by the grimy masses, but that doesn't somehow diminish how ridiculous many of these costumes are. Make no mistake, they are costumes, and like a Halloween prize pageant we will turn our discerning gaze on the grievous fashion misfires of Paris, Milan, and New York. We're not pulling any punches, and we're definitely not interested in making any friends. We're Joan Rivers without Melissa Rivers to temper our screeching. We're the Fashion Police in jack boots. We are Fashion SWAT.

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