WORST GAMES OF 2000
This Game Taught Us:
Anybody can make and release a game, although they probably shouldn't.
The most effective way to create atmosphere is by using .05-bit textures and enemies that adhere to no rational laws of intelligence or physics. This produces an atmosphere of "confusion."
In the future, weapons will look a lot like the weapons from 1980's Nintendo games, only lacking the photo-realistic explosion effects.
If you're preparing to record all your game's sound effects in your parent's basement, perhaps you should think that decision over again and upgrade to a more "professional" alternative, like their garage (which has much better reverb).
Games are a lot more exciting when they don't have a coherent plot, distinct enemies, or maps that don't appear to take place inside a large orange shoebox.
Players won't be disappointed by the ending of a game if you can insure that there's no Earthly way to actually get to the end of the game, or if you simply fail to include one.
Did You Know... I would actually prefer to be sodomized by the entire Los Angeles Police force than sit through the full version of Thundra?
This Game Taught Us:
Armed redneck combat may sound good on paper or "The Jerry Springer Show", but it just doesn't pan out on digital medium.
Valusoft should change their current business model of "making video games" and instead shift their strategy to "NOT making video games."
The white trash in this game, much like in real life, cannot walk in a straight line for more than eight inches.
Good, quality software should not allow you to voluntarily exit, but instead insist upon crashing with a "Microsoft debugging error" message after six minutes into each game.
Only the finest caliber of games can be created with WizardWorks "Instant Game Creation Toolkit", which consists of a C++ compiler and enough rum to allow you to successfully forget the monstrosity you just produced.
Did You Know... the main "programmer" behind Hatfields and McCoys actually wrote in to me, in defense of this his horrible creation? I forgot exactly what he said, but I'm fairly sure he was drunk.
#3: Raising Dead
This Game Taught Us:
The living dead, which are apparently large amounts of evil Microsoft Word clipart which can magically hover above the ground and make incessant farting noises, hate all humans and want to see them dead. We are assuming you play the role of a human, but judging by the stiffness of the game's controls, you could very well be a 600-ton lump of concrete with an axe.
Large, sprawling cities often lack any doors to enter their buildings.
Thousands of ham-sized apples can be found laying on the sidewalk in any metropolitan area. Since nobody can get out of the buildings and trip over them, it doesn't really matter to the city officials.
Elderly Chinese men hate you and want to see you dead. I personally don't blame them.
Killing things that are already dead causes them to turn into poison mushrooms which will kill you. This is dubbed "The Great Cycle of Life" or possibly "The Food Chain."
Believe it or not, this entire game was created by just one person. Believe it or not, Hitler was also just one person.
Did You Know... repeated exposure to Raising Dead has been directly linked to cancer of the testicles, a disease which has been rated a "much more pleasurable experience" than actually playing this game?
Sometimes I dream that I'm sitting in the back of the defunct Weinermobile as it careens driverless down the highway. At first I thought this was symbolic of the powerlessness I feel in life, but then I realized it's actually the Weinermobile's dream of being able to drive again.
Three years ago, when we were burying my uncle, Cleaver and some gross lady dog (Solstice???) showed up at the cemetery and starting going at it really loudly. It ruined everything and we had to have a "re-do" the next day and it cost a fortune. I've hated him ever since for that.
Ignore the hype. Find out how these games will likely go right or wrong.
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