Chapter Three - MeanwhileDr. Heldinger explains his blueprints for the Alien Dematterifier.Meanwhile, at the Secret American Science Institute in a Mountain, Doctor Otto Heldinger explained the purposes of his new Alien Dematterifier.
"This device will remove the matter from one of our alien friends," explained Dr. Heldinger. "All you have to do is point it at them and pull this lever here, which I have called a trigger."
Daring Armstrong rubbed his gigantic chin and straightened his coif of hair which was normally perfectly curled over his forehead but at that moment was slightly disheveled because he was laying into Dr. Heldinger's beautiful daughter in the science supply closet only moments earlier. Dr. Heldinger was so lost in science that he did not even notice the loving look in his daughter's eyes as she in turn watched Daring fixing his hair. They were two lovers, in a world gone wrong, snatching a moment of ecstasy together to escape the torment of the alien invasion.
"That is a fantastically scientific and advanced weapon you have devised Doctor, but how am I supposed to get it aboard the alien ship?" Asked Daring, whose nickname was "Smart".Daring Armstrong is exceptionally brave, handsome, and manly."An excellent question my boy," commented Dr. Heldinger, since it was in fact an excellent question. "I have also developed 'ramjet' technology which should get you onboard the Alien Queen Mothership. If you can destroy the queen's hiveminds you will destroy the alien overmind hivemind and it will no longer control the aliens and hopefully they will take naps or decide to leave. The ramjet functions much like a normal jet but you ram it into the ship and then climb out of the wreckage inside the ship."
"Brilliant!" Exclaimed Daring.
"Oh my!" Exclaimed Dr. Heldinger's daughter whose name is not important.
"Yes!" Exclaimed Dr. Heldinger.
"Right!" Exclaimed Daring Armstrong.
Suddenly, Daring grabbed the Alien Dematterifier and climbed into the cockpit of the ramjet which was also in the room they were in.
"I am going to bust those Alien Crybabies a new blowhole to whistle Dixie on," shouted Daring, giving a thumbs up. His witty comment was in reference to the blowhole on the backs of all of the alien soldiers. These were used like noses on people and also for drinking milk-shakes through but nothing else. Resistance fighters would run at the aliens courageously and stick dynamite in the hole and then the dynamite would explode and the alien would usually die.
Before Dr. Heldinger's daughter could swoon any more, Daring closed the canopy of the cockpit of the ramjet and launched it into the sky by pulling back on the controls of the ramjet and pushing the thruster buttons. The thrusters howled like monkeys as he shot into the dawn of a new day like a burning missile of justice.
And you thought women had one-dimensional script intros that treated them like sex objects. Ewoks have it even worse.
No one seems to like the new Doom box art. But it's still the same old Doom Guy under that space marine helmet. Right?
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.