Chapter Four - Revenge is a Dish Best Serve DematterifiedDaring fires his Dematterifier at a Robot Mechanoid. Will it work?!The crash was really loud and explosive, but the ramjet managed to punch all the way through the armored hull of the Alien Queen Mothership and skid to a halt on the floor of a Space Fighter hangar. Daring shook the sweat from his eyes and threw off the canopy and then jumped out and then he drew the Alien Dematterifier from his holster and shot down three Alien Soldiers. The sound of each shot being fired was like a whip being cracked in a walk-in humidor. When they got shot the aliens exploded into a pile of blood and guts that was steaming because the beam of the Dematterifier turned them inside out so their helmets and ray guns were on the inside.
Daring started to run down a hallway when suddenly he heard a thud sound behind him like a sack of sweet potatoes being dropped on a basketball court. He turned around quickly bringing his Alien Dematterifier to bear on a hulking metal brute that he recognized as a Heavy Robot Mechanoid from his many encounter with them in New Jersey. He fired and there was a hissing sound as the robot inverted. Much to his surprise it looked the exact same when it was finished turning inside out.
"Hahahahahahahahahaah," cackled a woman's voice over the Communospeakertronic System. "Hahahahahhaahhahahahaha! Your primitive earth weapon can't defeat my new model of Heavy Robot Mechanoid."
"Alien Queen Mother!" Remarked Daring as the robot gripped his Dematterifier and crushed it into sawdust.
"That's right Daring, my new robots are the same on the inside as they are on the outside! They're Reversible Heavy Robot Mechanoids, and your weapon is worthless against them. Seize him! Bring him to my chambers!"
Minutes later Daring Armstrong was thrown to the floor at the feet of the Alien Queen. She stood over him, her breasts heaving with each intake of breath, her nipples as hard as whatever jewelers use to cut diamonds. With a wave of her hand she dismissed the new prototype robot mechanoid.The Alien Queen prepares to dock with Daring Armstrong, but he has something else in mind!"I have you at last Daring Armstrong," said the Alien Queen, picking him up by the fleece collar of his bomber jacket. "My people have a great need for you. You see, I am the only female of my entire species, and we mate with the strongest male of another species and then lay eggs that hatch into the Alien Soldiers you see. Since your president, vice president, and speaker of the house are all dead, you are the strongest of your species, so you will be my mate."
Daring let the stick of dynamite he was still carrying drop into the palm of his hand. If he could get it into the Queen's blowhole he could end this war now. The last thing he wanted to do was be the father of a whole new invasion force that would land on a planet a lot like earth and then blow it up and enslave what was left. He didn't see a blowhole, the Queen was different.
"Oh Daring," said the Queen making kissing type motions around Daring's earlobe, "I believe I will enjoy this."
She stepped back and removed her human general's panties, revealing her strange reproductive hole. Daring's eyes lit up and the Queen mistook the expression for him being all hot to lay into her, but she was wrong. Daring grabbed the Queen and planted a big kiss on her sexy Alien lips, as he did he jammed the lit stick of dynamite into the only hole he could find.
"Ooooh," moaned the Queen, "you sure are enthusiast-"
Her sentence was cut off by the booming sound that came from her loins. Daring propelled himself away from her body as it exploded all over the room with blood that was blue instead of red. As the explosion was still ringing in Daring Armstrong's ears, suddenly all across the world the Alien Soldiers began to fall asleep. Some found their way to beds, cots, or hammocks. Others just collapsed where they were, too tired to go on. Daring gave a thumbs up and winked.
A reluctant family is forced to welcome a non-human participant to Thanksgiving dinner.
Perfect Eggs Every Time: Hold an egg in your cupped hands. Put your hands over a fire, squeezing them together gently to crack the egg open. Try not to let any egg liquid or egg shell fall out between your fingers.
You cant go around life being smart in an unconventional way, it could change the world.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.