Jeff K.'s weekly column, appropriately entitled "Ask Jeff K.", deals with all the issues that affect all hardcore gamers and l33t haX0rs out there. If you have a question you'd like to ask, feel free to mail it in. Every letter printed here is in fact real and has actually been sent to Jeff; not a single email has been fabricated or created by the staff.

Let me repeat that again for the sake of emphasis: All of these emails have really been submitted to Jeff K. by real people and have NOT been made up or forged in any way.

i am sorrey, but I did nots update my colamn in quite some tiem. I WAS BUSEY, SO STOP SENDING ME EMALES AND SHUTS UP!!!! I am vary busy man with maney things to do and poepal to meet and I am a HIGH PROFILE MEMBAR OF TEH GAMEING INDUSTRY NOW becuase I intarviewed maney famous peopel liek CLiffy B and that Duke Nukam guy and Mr. Windy Dale and some othar fagot. I cant remembar his naem. BUT>>> MAEYBE I AM NOT FAMEOUS ENOUGH becuase they dids not let me into E3 when I went too Lost Angelis. Me and Jerry got off teh bus at E3 House and says "WE ARE VARY FAMOUS GAMERS, BUT NOT JERRY. I AM VARY FAMOUS. JERRY SI A FAMOUS FAGOT" and E3 guy says "No, yuo cant entar E3 House" and I says "NOBODY SAYS NO TOO ME!!!!" and ran away. Jerry started crying becuase he spent all his moneys on Circus Peenuts at teh gas station. He bouthg liek 50 packages of them, then he threw up orange barf on teh bus. It was chunkey and I thinks it glowed in teh dark maeybe. BUT we ran off and I snuck into Teh E3 House. I told Jerry too waits for me by teh alleyway out behind teh building were teh big guys were talkeing to each othar and giveing each othar littal plastic bags. Jerry says it was salt they where giveing each othar, but that maeks no sense. Yuo can get salt for free at dennys. they haev eggs there too,I HATE EGGS!#

so I sneaked in and maed it too teh trade floor. I looked for Cliffry B but dids not find him. Then I looks for Duke Nukam, but he wasant there. I did gets good pictars though, if yuo wants too see them click here and sees my E3 HOUSE REPORT!!! but i forgot teh link so I will rememabar to puit it in latar. OKey, back too teh Colmanmn!

PS: THROUGHOUTS THIS INTEARVIEW I WILL POST LINKS TO PICTARUES OF EPICLEPTIC SUPARSTAR MAPMAKEING HERO CLIFFY B IN VARIOUS PRITTY OUTFITS. CLICK ON THEM TOO SEE!

CLICK HERE TOO SEE CLIFFY B. IN FIVE YEARES! OOoH SEXY MAPMAKAR MAN/

ONTO TEH LETTARS! now

From: ryan shea
Subject: i have big brests.... why won't my boyfriend pay attention to me?

dear jeff, i have a little problem with my boyfriend. all he does is play quake3 and halflife when i'm on the phone with him. when i visit him he plays too. now, i'm not going to lie. i'm very attractive. (i have big boobies too...... more than a handful each) i don't see why he won't pay some attention to me. i don't live in the same town as him right now so when i visit i would like to have some fun, you know? we're moving in together soon and i would like to be able to pull him away from the games for a bit..... could you please tell me how to do this? i know you can help since he reads your site every day (i know this because he fills me in on it every night on the phone while he's killing things). i'm going to stress again that i am very hot. please help.

yuor problem si that boobs on a woman si pritty, boobs on a man is gross. Yuor man boobs probly maeks yuor boyfriend not wants too touch them, becuase it si scientifac fact that yuo can get MAN BOOB DISEASE (also known as "FATTY MCFAT VIRUS") by casueal contact with othar manboobs. if yuo see manboobs, maek sure you follow teh folowing steps:

1) AVERT YUOR EYES fROM TEH MANBOOBS! science dictates perhapes FATTY MCFAT VIRUS may be transmitted by eyesight! dont look or yuo get HORROR liek "Tempal of the Lost Radier Ark" when Naszis looked at Ark and they did melt liek chocolate Naszis in microwave. Indianianpolois Jones found the lost Ark and Noah was inside.

2) run awaey and seek sheltar in a cave. Piles up rocks outside and grow a beard. Come up 10000000 years latar and ROBOTS WILL RULE TEH EARTH! it will be cool and yuo will shots lasar cannons too and hovercar and yuo must rescue Molley Ringwalled from CYBORGS IN WHEELCHAIRS.

3) STOP DROP AND ROLL! that si for fires too. so if yuo are near a fat manboob man on fire, yuo are probly vary safe.:

plus if yuor boyfriend plays HalfgLife, he probly is a dork anyway. plus Half Life was just dumb. Jerry gots teh hornat gun and shots me, that was dumb. then I threw bugs at him. HEY GAB NEWELL, STOP PAINTING YUOR VARY LARGE MANSION MADE OUT OF GOLD YUO GOT FROM HALF LIFE AND MAKE TEAM FORTRASS 2 ALREADY! IT DOSENT HAEV TOO HAEV POWARPLAY BECUASE MY MODAM ALREADY FEELS LIEK A LAN PARTY so cut it out FAGOT! TEAM fortrass two has maney classes liek the Scout, Heavy Weapons Expart, Doctor, Carpentar, Journalist, and Cook. there are guns and a motarcycal and vietname.

CLICK HERE TOO SEE CLIFFY B. WEARING HIS CLUBBING OUTFIT HE WEARS TOO GO TO TEH RAVES AND DANCE CLUBS! SHAKE YUOR BOOTY, CLIFFRY B!!!


More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'

  • Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.