Subject: Can I have some stock tips?
You are "Mr. Smarty Man", so i would like to get some stock tips from you, so i can make the "moneys".
I read this in a movie: BUY LOW SELL HIGH!!! THAT MEANS too buy coffee and sell diamonds. Michale Dogless was in that movie. he used teh INtarnet to sell gold. Then his wife died and teh babysittar cooked rabbits. It was a thriller to teh end! EDGE OF YUOR SEAT EXCITEMENT!!!/ Yuo will wnats too invest in INtel and 3DFX stocks becuase they are on gold road too sucess. Intel makes Pentium 3 and yuo can use teh Internat with MMX technology. AMD is sucks becuase they dont use MMX and use 3DOW! which si infearior too Intel. If yuo dont use Intel, yuo cant get on teh intarnet!!! AND THERES DIRTTY PICTARES ON TEH INTARNET TOO!
Subject: Something Almost as Awful
Hey Jeff.K I recently found my page because all my buds in comp class were checking it out today, so I went home and checked it out, and I have to applaud you on it. Your page is really fucking funny, new idea, it's great! But I'm asking a little favour of you, I have this new web site recently released and it's all about how to please women. The site has articles on sex techniques, pick up lines, gift idea's, question and answer sections, forums and shit. It's not as funny as your site, but it's still funny. I am personally inviting you to check out the page, cause I know you will LOVE it! Maybe if you really dig the page, and it stands up to the "l33t" standards you could post something about it on your page. So check it out man, and keep up the good work. The site addy is
OPS SOREY I LOST PART OF YUOR EMALE, SORREY FRIEND PLEAS SEND IT AGAIN SO I MAY MAEK LINKS TO YUOR STUPID SIGHT ABOUT PLEASING WOMAN. IF YUO WANTS TOO PLEAS WOMEN, YUO uSE PLASTIC FLOWERS AND SAY "HEY LADY, WANTS TOO SMELL MY FLOWER?!?" THEN SQUIRT HER FACE! THEN PUSH HER DOWN AND RUNs AWAY!!! HA HA HA, WORKS EVARY TIEM!!!
Subject: Lo! `Tis the Levelord beckoning...
Dude, I thought *I* was leet (see, I can't even spell well) until I found out about you. You're the... ...wait, ...let me try this, but don't laugh if I get it wrong,
...u'R hte shiTe, maan! i haev maid meny, meny, tuns of k00l gmes lick Duck Knuckels and 3coorge of amraguns and 3v3n SiN. i haev evin partyied w/ Jhon da Romerieo and/or sheeken kIllc533k's hadn. Sum dya kan ey3 partiii w/ U?
Subject: L3t m3 no If U w@nt...
...ant inNRvu w/ teh L3v3l0rd ;)Levelord.
From: Johnathen Hendross
Subject: Video Cards Review
I got some comments on your review of the NVIDIA cards. You said things like you wanted is glide that NVIDIA doesn't offer. This seems odd mainly because not many games even use that any more Microsofts big push to get developers to use D3D has worked. And now that the XBOX supports d3d and will be released in the future a company that develops a engine using DX will have a title that can be released for the PC and for a consule. Advantages being obvious. More notes ont he nvidia cards. The card does much more that 'you don't need' newer hardware Texture and Lighting algoritms that do not look to be implemented until dx8 as nvidia and microsoft and giving each other head right now. Title being released later this year should take a larger advantage of the items added to the DX7a release. Makeing the NVIDIA card more useful. GLide first of all sucks. The API is not very mature it just kinda tosses polys on the screen. Secondly it is never updated. It has nothing new to offer since it's conception. OpenGL is only useful if you are on a gay SGI .5 million dollar fag box.
HEY heres an idea: SPEAKES BETTAR ENGLISH! I cant read Yuor mistar Smarty Man novel book yuo wrotes about Micorosoft makeing Boxes and nvideia and amounts of yaks yuo did poke in teh butt. yuo are not vary good public speakar, mayeb yuo should takes socieal courses from Frankie BURKE????
FUNNY MOMENT THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME OF THE WEEK:
Me and Jerry were eateing Circuis Peenuts on teh bus and an old lady was behind us so I threw a peenut at her head and it hit her head and Jerry laughed and then she saids "IM GOING TOO CALL YUOR MOTHARS!" and Jerry said "NO NO NO PLEAS DONT!!!" and started crying. then I laughed becuase my mom was at teh store and HOW IS SHE GOING TO CALL HER THERE? the old lady got off teh bus and Jerry stopped crying and I laughed at him and he hit me and then he ate more circisus peenuts and I saids "JERRY, yuore eateing them all!" and he said "NO, I only eate 6 packs of them!!!" and then he started leaning over and JERRY saids "hey Jeff, Jigglypuff is BLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!" and threw up peenuts all ovar teh place!!! and it was gross and I jumped ovar teh seat and teh bus stoped and the bus drivar was a man in womans clothing and said "SIR PLEAS GET OFF TEH BUS" and Jerry said "JEFF, I THREW UP ON MY JIGGLYPUFF CARD" and he did. he spent a lots of moneys on that card too, now it si soggy and orange and smells like cat.
SEND ME MORE EMALE AND I WILL WRITE ABOUT YUO IN MY COLUMN NEXT WEEK AND WRITE BETTAR QUESTIONS bceayse some of them were frankely dumb. and if yuo send me meane emales, i will put yuor adress in the lettar like the ppl above so everybody knows yuo = fagot.
- JEFF K>
Republicans announce that all legislation must be voted on at 2am in a secret chamber, with no one but the lobbyists who write the bills seeing a single line of text. Democrats' Response: Stumbling around a field stepping on rakes, handles smashing them directly in their faces every single time.
There is a witch hunt going on right now and I promise you that you will not find any witches in the pleasure room in my congressional office.
For fans of meaningless awards, these awards are extra meaningless.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.