From: Gauge
Subject: somethingawful

hi, i was referred to you in a irc chat room when i was complaining about not getting any traffic. im looking to boost the amount of people that visit and im not afraid to admit when i could use some help. So please mail me back. If you have no idea what this mail is about and know nothing of increasing traffic then im sorry and ignore this mail. hope to hear from you soon

"DUH HEAR I AM AGAINE MY MOM HITS ME WITH A RAKE IN TEH FACE EVARY TIEM SHE SAYS IM A FAGOT SO AS YUO CAN IMAGINE THATS A LOTS/"

YES I can increases teh traffic by 1000 folds and I knows secrats how too WHY DO YUO THINK I BECOME A INTERNAT SENSATION LIEK AMANDA GREN OR BAZOOKA JOE?>? there are easey ways too gets more traffic too yuor site and hear are soem ways I thought of when I was reading magazines in my tree fort fortress house tree plant fort castal:

1) go too ICRQ and select RNADOM CHAT PARDNER! then have a converstation lieks this:

JEFF K!!!! - HELO HI
Carol - Hello
JEFF K!!!! - HOW ARE TUO DOING TOODAY, MISS??
Carol - Fine, thanks. A/S/L?
JEFF K!!!! - CUT THAT OUT DONT TRY TOO HAXOR ME WITH DSL THATS LUNIX I KNOW IT AND IM CALLIONG NETCOPS TOO ARREST YUO SO CUT IT OUT FACEHEAD/
Carol - What?
JEFF K!!!! - VISIT MY HOEMPAEG IS TI IT QUALIETY INFORMATION WWW>SOMETHINGEWAWULG.COM/JEFFK!!!!
Carol - Sorry, that link doesn't work.
JEFF K!!!! - YUOR COMPUTAR MACHENE SI BROKAN JUST CLICK THES WWW>SOEMTHTINGAWULFUL.COM/JEFFK!!!!!
Carol - That's a dead link.
JEFF K!!!! - WWW>SOEMTHIGNEAWAWUFL.COM/EJEFFK!!!!
Carol - Is your keyboard broke or something?
JEFF K!!!! - IS YUOR FAT UGLEY MOUTH BROAKE YUO TOAD? HAHHAHAHAHHAHA MAYBE YUOR USEING AOL FOOTBALL JAW
Carol - Goodbye.
JEFF K!!!! - HELO?!?!
JEFF K!!!! - HEy FLEA CIRCUS VISITS ME SITE YUO MUTT
JEFF K!!!! - HELLO?
JEFF K!!!! - WHEr ARE YUO?
JEFF K!!!! - HOW DO I SHUTS DOWN IRQ?

Thats liek free advartising! and then they visit and show there freidns too but sometimes there friends are liek Dave Ward so yuo cant win them all, CHOCULA!

2) WRITE MESSAGES ON POPULAR BOARDEDS LIEK MALE 2 MALE.COM AND TEH MALE ZONE BECUASE a lot of peopal who uses computars machienes are men and yuo haev too know what yuor target audiance demograpghic si. Althoguh thes boardes are kind of weird and peopal talk about weird stuff there, I dont know I dont reads I just found teh forams link from Jerrys computar and I just post mesages liek this:

DEAR FAGOTS

IF YUO WANTS TOO VISITS A KEWL SIET GO TO MY SIET IT HAS TEH BAST INFORMATION ON HACKERAX)RING AND QUAEK 2 AND REVIEWS AND GAEMS AND VARY HIGH QUALIETY WORK YUOLL FIND!!! IT IS A BEECON OF QUALIETY yuolll find! I AM KING COMPUTAR HAXoR AND AM A SMARAT HIGH SCHOOL STUDENT AND TEH BEST AT EVARYTHING I DO/

BYE #
JEFF K!!!!

and then they will coem vary fast! but I dont usually get that maney hits for soem reason but I get a lots of emales asking me where I live and if I wants too meet in person too talk about my websiet but I dont want too do intarviews becuase Im bussey liek a bug and I dont care too meet peopal so I forwards there emales too Jerry and he probably prints them out on his EPSON and rubs them all ovar his stomach liek he was doing with those pictares of the dog trying to jump ovar teh woman from behind her.

3) Get intarviews with improtant celebridies that maek things!!!! I havant got any celebridies yet but I got jerks liek Cliffy B and JE Sawyar and Martin Landow and Jaek Simpson and thoes jerks from WOlfenstine who dont return my emales anymoer and some othar morons. DONT get intarviews liek that becyase nobody wants too read about them EXCEPT about Cliffy B. becuase he si a GAEM GOD NOW!!!! THAT MEANS HE CANT DIE AND HE FLYS AROUND IN A UFO CAR AND HE CAN KILL YUO WITH A WINK so dont get Cliffry B. mad becuase he winks at a lot of peopal especialley men for soem reason (thats what Greenmaryanne told me).

4) maeks a good websiet with good codeing and graphics liek mine! Yuo need colars and stuff that GETS ATTENTION and flashes and moves and changes colars liek a centipede! yuo needs too haev something witch GRABS ATEENTION and makes peoaple say "WOW THAT SI TRULEY A MARK OF SYMBOL OF QUALITEY" and BABEY I GOT THATS IN SPADES!!!

thats all I can think of.

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