Note from the editor: Since Jeff K. is at his grandma's house this week, Cliff Yablonski has agreed to fill in and write today's column. Jeff K. will be back for next week.
From: "Cult of Karentology"
will you marry me?
what size tits ya got? I'm not that picky, but I'm not interested in this marrage crap, so I'll just slip ya the old Yablonski for a night and then leave in the morning. If you're good in bed, I might not steal your purse too, but I won't promise nothing.
From: asdf asdfff
Subject: I need help with the game!
HEY JEFF K!! Your choose your own adventure game is really hard! and I can't beat it. How do you get past the ghost? And how do you get past the Darth Vader? Can you please help me, maybe you should make a strategy guide becuz that game is too hard!
WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU PEOPLE??? My name ain't "JEFF K" its "CLIFF YABLONKSKI", I already says that about 10 times! Call me up and give me your address so I can come over there and beat some sense into you. You're probably some punk ass kid that drives one of those shitty ass Mazdas or other imported crap and then puts the fucking bigass tail on the back so you can say to the world "Hey everybody, I'm some kind of IDIOT that drives a JACKASSMOBILE!" Turn down that rap music for God's sake, that shit is shit. The only true performer out there was Sinatra, God bless his soul. All this other crap is shit. And you little punks need to learn that every time you don't buy American, you're fucking us Vets over. And when I say "American", I dont mean shit like Saturns either. You know who drives those? Art fags and hippies. Every time I see a Saturn parked in the grocery store parking lot, I unzip my fly and piss all over it. I say "This is for America, you Godless bastard!" and then I leave. Once I pissed all over the car when the dip who owned it was still inside. I wish I would've gottena photo of his face, it was great. Bastards.
Subject: my favorite words and HL2
3. Wood Elf
Gabe Newell is my dad. He is writing Half-Life 2 on our computer at home, which has a 4GHz CPU, from Cyrix.
He doesn't want me to say this, but HL2 is about Gordon returning to the bottom of the Black Mesa and rescuing the first scientist you met in (HL1), because he is Gordon's DAD! Also, you can play as a zombie and the king Barnacle from Xen-- whoops, that's a secret part! Plus, there are special events like writing the Pythagorean Theorem and finding the hypotenuse of a square. There is no multiplayer in HL2 because Gabe (my dad) said that id and Epic Megagames are making crappy deathmatch scum that sux0r. Also, this is because PowerPlay is a lie(whoops) becaue dad found out that you cant hook up your modem in a serial port(I think that's what he said). Maybe I'll tell you more next week.
I don't give a rats ass about your dad. The day people can earn REAL AMERICAN MONEY from programming shit like kids video games is the day I take down the Southern Flag from my home. And before your dumb ass has a chance to ask, the Southern Flag is all about FREEDOM, not slavery. Those liberal dicks up North stole away the South's freedom when they started deciding what was better for us back then. Next thing you know they'll be telling me I can't walk around the neighborhood drunk at 2 am with a loaded shotgun (I'm protecting my property and exercising my right to bear arms you liberal shits, Charlton Heston is more of a man than you'll ever fuck).
I dont know what the fuck you're talking about with that HL crap, but it sounds like some kind of stupidass movie that theyre showing at the movies these days. All the crap they show is either some romantic shit about love or science fiction crap about space bugs or whatever. I mean, what the fuck? I dont want to see that shit. I want to see car crashes and exploding warehouses and guys with their faces being shot off. I'd rent movies like that, but the only place that sells Betamax tapes closed down a year ago and I cant get no more tapes. I just watch "Law and Order" all day now because I like it when they rough up those shits on TV. I still dont know how they get the cameramen to follow them wherever they go, those lawyers and cops must be sick of it.
FUNNY MOMENT THAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME OF THE WEEK:
I don't know what the fuck I'm supposed to write here, Richard tells me I'm supposed to write about something funny that happened last week. Okay, well I was sitting in my garage, listening to the Braves game, and I hear all this commotion outside, so I goes outside to see what the fuck is making so much goddamned noise. Turns out its those fuck kids across the street, they got their kitten stuck up in a tree and it wont come down. So I goes up to them and says "Hey, you want me to get your cat down for you?" and they say "Yeah, please mister, it's name is Bojangles and we just rescued her from an animal shelter and blah blah blah" so I says "okay" and I break off a branch from the tree and "accidentally" drop it on one of the idiot kids. He starts crying and I act like I'm all sorry. So I get my ladder and climb up there and grab the cat. I act like I'm going to drop it, and the kids start panicking and saying "Don't drop our kitten, we love it!" and so I says "Okay, I won't drop your fucking cat" and I throw it up even higher into the tree. It was fucking hilarious. Then I took my ladder and went home.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
Tomorrow's tech headlines you never want to see, before you have to see them.
Denzel is here to set the movie scales back to zero. That's what an equalizer does, right?
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.