Dear Backyard Love:

I am not sure if my "special friend" is cheating on me. This is only my 3rd relationship with a guy. I am 26 years old and he is 6 months younger than I. We have been seeing each other for a year and a couple of months. He claims he loves me and can't understand why I just won't take the plunge to be his girlfriend, but maybe its because I have had bad experience in the past. I have noticed a change with him lately though. He stopped cooking dinner for me, forgot my birthday and still hasn't got me anything for it (was back on October 29th), keeps promising to take me out but something always comes up or he claims he is broke because he is trying to save up money for a new apartment. He doesn't seem to want to take me anywhere anymore. My major concern is that when I do see him now, it is always late during the week. He does work until night from 2 p.m. to 10 p.m. But on the weekends, he will come over around 10 or 11. Sometimes too late to even do anything. Yet, he will always want to have sex. The reason why we don't have sex that often is because I won't allow. It makes me feel that I am good enough to sleep with, but not good enough to take out or do fun things with. I do feel that it is my fault because maybe he's losing interest with me. It has been a year but every time he asks me how I feel about him, I can only tell him that I enjoy his company and I like being with him, but I don't know about being his girlfriend. He doesn't even call me that much anymore and we never have a good conversation anymore. We used to talk for hours.

Signed,
Confused and Fed Up with Men

FUCK YOU NINJA!!!: Throughout the ages, humans have had a difficult time conveying their true emotions and feelings, under the threat of embarrassment or humiliation. FUCKING CUNT. A wise scholar recommends opening up the line of communication like a mighty dam SHITFACE collapsing under the unstoppable flood of emotions and love.Although sex is a BITCH BITCH BITCH HURT BITCH FAG DICK way to express love, sometimes it is also a replacement for love. By FUCK A CORPSE FUCK A CORPSE talking to your loved one and revealing your true feelings DICK IN MY HAND LA LA DICKY DICK, he will do the same and an appropriate course of destiny ASSCHUNKS will be revealed FAG ORGY.

SERVANTS OF MISERY: Oh boo hoo, cry me a river you bitchy little tramp. Like we, the Servants of Misery, care about your pathetic and squalid love life. Let me get something straight right now, you hollow hussie: love is a LIE. We've seen all of Marilyn Manson's videos and there's no love in them, so what makes you think you can find love in your life, huh? Do you think you're better than Marilyn Manson? Is that it? Very unlikely, as Mr. Manson is a true artistic genius, one of the only artists in our world. Well, him and Trent Reznor, although "Closer" was a fratboy sellout song which makes bile rise up my stomach by merely thinking about it. Yeah, you fratboys think you're SO TOUGH just because you sprayed beer and then pee all over us when we were having our Dark Ceremony at the cemetery. Losers.

The last time somebody claimed that Mr. Manson was inferior, we took the pathetic maggot and threw him into a turnbuckle, which was loaded with rusty nails and firecrackers, and then we grabbed him from behind and began to clothesline the hell out of that wimp. We picked him up and threw him into our mom's Impala, and she came out and started yelling at us. Luckily dad regained consciousness really quickly so we weren't shipped off to juvenile hall like last time. Not that he could make us go if we didn't really want to. We have powers. DARK powers.

Dear Backyard Love:

My boyfriend and I (both 20, at different colleges) are worried about our future together. We are newly in love and are doing the "making plans" thing. We are both ambitious and have big dreams: his is to attend a medical school in Tennessee, mine is to be an editor in New York. As we look into the future however, we see problems. I may not be home for the summer and we don't want to go to each others' dream city after graduation. We truly love each other and can't go a day without talking (we're doing the long distance thing now), and it's frustrating. Should we breakup before we get in too deep and find people whose geographical goals match ours, or hang in there and cross that bridge when we come to it? How would marriage (at graduation) affect this situation?

Signed,
Frightened by Future

EL TERROR DE FUEGO: I TOO HAD A SIMILAR PROBLEM MUCH AGES AGO! IT WAS DURING MY WRESTLING EVENT AGAINST DREADED CHEATING ENEMY THE "CLOWN OF BEANS" WHOSE TRADEMARK MANEUVER DID STRIKE FEAR IN MY CHESTING AREA AS HE THREW MANY BEANS AT MY FACE DURING PARTICULARLY HEARTY ATTACKS. HE HAS BEEN KNOWN AS A FEARFUL CHEATER, NEVER STOPPING TO FAIR PLAY EXCEPT WHEN ASISTED BY THE REFEREE OR PERHAPS A MAN WITH A STEEL COMBAT WEAPON.

AFTER A THOROUGH THRASHING, MY FOE DID LEAVE WITH THE WIFE MARITIA, AND I DID NOT KNOW OF HIS WHEREABOUTS! WAS SHE A TRAVELLING HARLOT TO THE ENDS OF NEW YORK, PERHAPS AS A LUCHADORE OR CRIMINAL FIEND? OR MAYBE SHE DID FLEE ON FOOT TO THE PAINT FACTORY, IT WAS NOT FOR ME TO KNOW.

AFTER A LENGTHY FOOTCHASE, I DID CATCH UP WITH "CLOWN OF BEANS" AND DELIVER A SET OF JUSTIFIED BEATINGS, CRIPPLING HIS BODY FROM THE HAIR DOWN AND PERHAPS CAUSING HIM TO BE VERY DEAD. THEN I DID SEE MARITIA AND SHE SAIDS "I TELL YOU WE TRAVELED TO PICK UP YOUR HEADPHONES YOU LEAVE AT THE TRAVELODGE" AND AT THAT MOMENT I REMEMBERED PERHAPS SHE DID SAY SO AND THE FACT DID LOSE ITSELF DURING MY HEAD ENCOUNTER WITH THE PLASTER THAT "CLOWN OF BEANS" CHOSE TO BASH AGAINST ME. SO BEFORE MARRAGE MAKE SURE TO CHOSE A COLLEGE WHICH OFFERS CREDITS FOR JOGGING.

Dear Backyard Love:

I am 27. I met this 37 year old guy 2 weeks ago and we have been seeing each other a lot. Things took off a little fast. He wanted to be with me everyday at either his house or mine. I told him we needed to slow things down. He agreed. There are always different women's numbers lying around when I go to his house. Once he said he was on his way to my house. Well 4 hours later he's not there. I call him and he doesn't answer the phone. I'm suspicious because when I'm over to his house, he hardly ever answers the phone. So I go over there and there's another car parked right in front of his house. He claims he was at my house and that we crossed paths. So now he's telling me if there's no trust then there's no relationship. I'm starting to have feelings for this man, but I'm afraid that I'm going to end up getting hurt. What should I do?

Signed,
Scared and Confused

REVOLUTIONARY SCARECROW: You are a 27 year old. You are still not too old to join the revolution. I have led farm rebellions. I will sweep across the countryside, liberating the imprisoned. You must signal your compliance by stripping completely naked. You shall wear a paper hat. I do not know where these paper hats can be found. It is not of my concern. The paper hats read "BURGER KING" across them.

I too have many numbers in my barn. I have the numbers "49", "3", and "218." I used to own the number "21," but it disappeared after a disagreement within the ranks of the Cattle Troop #49. If I know anything, it's that cattle bicker. They need a strong leader. I am a strong leader. I once threw an enemy into a bale of hay which had been lit on fire and wrapped with barbwire. I will do the same to you and your elderly boyfriend if you do not comply. I am in a revolution. You are either with me or against me. I do not wish to see your boyfriend naked. Sell your car and turn over the money to me so the revolution may flourish. Supply your own paper hat. The paper hats read "BURGER KING" across them.

FUCK YOU NINJA!!!: The bonds of trust are one of the most important FAG FAG FAG ties which hold a relationship together. Without trust COCK HEAD COCKINASS, what is left? The love, like a gentle ASSRAMMING FUCKER SHIT HAT SPONGE leaf, will eventually crumble and decay in short time. You must gently pick up the leaf I EAT ASS I EAT YOUR ASS and cradle it near to your heart, nurturing and caring for it likeASSHOLE BUTT BUTT BUTTBUSINESSMAN a treasure, for it is the spirit which keeps you and your loved one together, solidifying a relationship bound in love and honor SATAN SNATCH.

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