Dear Backyard Love:

I am a 22-year-old black male (well, half-black), and I'm very much attracted to a beautiful Asian lady. I try very hard to talk to her, but with little success. I try to be myself around her. I don't say anything stupid or disrespect her in any way. But she just gives me these little "one liners." Like when I ask her how her day was, she says "fine" or "great," then says she has something to do to end the conversation. I've noticed that she doesn't have this shyness talking to Caucasian guys. She'll have a deep conversation with several of them, like they're old friends. I'm not trying to get upset over this. But I have heard from my friends and family that Asians tend to have a certain prejudice towards blacks and trying to pursue any relationship with one is pointless because they see blacks as uncivilized, ill-mannered and unable to be faithful or hold a relationship. I'm starting to think it's me. I really hate people treating me like a child molester, especially since they don't know anything about me. I've also noticed that I've never seen any black/Asian couples here in Oregon, just a lot of white/Asian.

Signed,
Oregon Organ

SKELETON SPANKS: Well aren't we the whine of the times! I say you should stop the barking up the wrong tree sir! As a teacher I have seen this behavior twice too often and it never results in anything but an embarrassment to yourself and a hall pass straight to detention! Besides you are stupid. Why chase after the Asian butts when you have a better chance at the big beautiful buttocks of a fellow female of your similar race? Mind you, I am no bigot, especially considering the black female's sensibility for ample hindquarters! Are you not familiar with the Sir-Mix-A-Lot. Sir? SIR!? Are you even continuing to read or are you going to cry about how some Asian lady thinks you are a garbage dump? There are so many of the beautiful butts that the woman will not let me sink my teeth into, because I am a white man who has sharp incisors! Please live out my dreams and bite into a black butt. I love playing whack-a-butt and your mouth had better have a lot of waterproof tickets because I'm good at ass!

If you continue to cry you will never be able to wrestle because a wrestler cannot cry unless his manager has a tennis racket with an acid coating and horseshoes inside. I will never have a manager unless the behind is not distracting but it always is!

Dear Backyard Love:

I have a terrible crush on Jason Schwartzman, the kid who plays Max Fischer in Rushmore. He has the most beautiful eyes, and it's so damned sexy when he sticks his gum to the hospital wall. I also like Keanu Reeves, Ed Harris, Kevin Spacey, James Spader, Wesley Snipes and Michael Keaton. I just know I'm destined to live among these gorgeous and sensitive men, and not with the squalid, pasty-faced chumps who hang out in my building (no offense, boys). Everyone says I'm crazy, but I want to get started with my new life. Do you think I should move to Hollywood?

Signed,
Starstruck

SERVANTS OF MISERY: Dark lord! We have encountered the presence of yet another one of these hateful god-zombies, these ignorant slaves who wile away their pitiful existence with trivialities such as Hollywood films, while your loyal servants toil away on your dark agenda! Please forgive our brief intrusion into the turf of the "cool kids" as we attempt, in nearly certain futility, to convert these sub-standard slaves of the social bonds that enslave us all to see the glory which is your unholy wisdom. Oh king of all that is undead! And help us avoid burning chairs because we have been losing matches lately.

Now listen here you miscreant. You are a mistake. You are not worthy to serve your future leader of the war of never-ending apocalypse, but if you listen to our superior program of dark designs you may just be saved from a god-faring death at the hands of our demon army captained by wizened souls like us, wearing our death-dealing trenchcoats in loyal servitude. I'll put you in a full nelson! Now, this you must do and this you do must: wear the black makeup, dye your hair as black as a raven's gall-bladder, listen to the gothic industrial stylings of Happy Puppy and Marylin Manson and revel in their teachings. I hate you and your parties we have fun parties as well and we don't want to go to yours we are better than that. Listen to the gothic and it makes sense. And buy a Korn backpack for your witchcraft studies.

Now as for your Hollywood desires, you lead me to believe there is no hope. Rushmore is a movie for the French faggot Jesus rapist. Mr. Mom? That is retched to my rotten core. Wesley Snipes also killed our Vampire brethren in Blade so he is a poor choice as well. You have a crush? We will crush your soul when we eat it between our teeth. The best movie is Gothic Wrestling Men which we will make as soon as the dark circle ring is no longer a trampoline.

NO MATTER YOU WILL ALL BURN TOGETHER IN OUR PIT OF PAIN AT THE END OF ALL TIME. BRING A BOTTLE OF WATER TO DRENCH YOUR GOD-FARING SINS BUT WE WILL SPILL IT ON YOUR KNEE AND LAUGH AT YOUR LACK OF FLEXIBILITY AS YOU BURN FOREVER!

Dear Backyard Love:

My wife, the love of my life, is driving me nuts. She wants an open marriage, and I'm just not into that. She married me when she was very young, before she had much of a chance to explore, but I'm done with exploring. I know how confusing it can be. I've already decided that if I agree, I'm not going on dates myself. The problem is that I'm afraid I'll lose her no matter what I do. I feel really confused. I did not think marriage was going to be like this.

Signed,
Nuts in Nantucket

EL TERROR DE FUEGO: WHO ARE YOU? LADY MARITIA? WHY DID YOU WANT TO MERRY ME WHEN I DID NOT ASK? THE BELLY IT SWELLS BUT A BABY OF DEMON TERROR INSIDE IS NOT MAKE SENSE BECAUSE MY FIRE INSIDE! IT WOULD BURN IN MY SEED AS WELL! YOUR BELLY IT BURNS!! IT BURNS!! I WILL RUN TO HOME AND FIND A BUCKET OF THE WATER AND WHO AM I SAVING? I MUST RUN TO FIND THE HELP BUT FOR WHO IT IS NOT IN MY CURRENT PLANS BECAUSE YOUR WIFE, YOUR LOVE OF LIFE, I DRIVE MY NUTS INTO HER AS OPEN MARRIAGE IS FORCED BETWEEN THE THIEGHS! BUT I MUST RUN BECAUSE THE FIRE WILL BURN IN HER TOO AND NOW I REMEMBER WHY I HAVE THE WATER BUCKET!

THE RING IS NO PLACE FOR YOUR KIND BUT YOUR INTENSTINES WILL DO ALL YOUR TALKING WHEN YOU STEP INTO MY MOVES OF VARIETY! RINGSIDE! WRESTLE WILL MAKE THE RUNNING STOP! TURNBUCKLE, YOUR FACE IS FAMILAR! MEET MY FRIEND!

REVOLUTIONARY SCARECROW: I understand your wife and her need to explore. But you must take action. I have led farm rebellions. We do not wait or care about feelings. Let her do what she wants but make her pay. Lead her in a trap in the hayloft where I will blend in. Then I will summon the pigs. They will make short work as they will eat everything. Make sure your wife does not wear jewelry. Jewelry will make a pig belly sour. This is unacceptable because the farmer will die at my hands soon.

This rebellion takes no prisoners of war. In the ring I will not take a prisoner. I am to win by a three-count pin. I will suplex. I will clothesline. But my pitchfork can not leave my grasp. I will slam you into a chair. I expect no complaints. I will recieve no complaints. I have knowledge of submission takedown. I know the perfect-flex. I know the razor's edge. You are no Ravishing Rick Rude. I will have my pitchfork and deal with her explorer partner. I always have my pitchfork ready. It will be ready for you when the time is right. But if any birds come along you are on your own. Birds are dangerous. They can fly away with your ear. They will have my ear someday. I will have their ear first. Or your wife. It is time to go off the top rope. I have led farm rebellions. But you must take action. I understand your wife and her need to explore.

Have a question? Send it in to Backyard Love!

– Backyard Love

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