Dear Backyard Love:

I'm a 37 year male and don't drink a drop of alcohol. Everyone seems to go to this single bars to meet someone. I don't enjoy the bars. My weekends are usually spent with my son (which I really enjoy), at the gym or at work. I 'm a business owner and work 60-70 hour weeks. No social life. I'm tired of being single, but don't know where to meet a woman. Do I sound desperate? Because maybe I am?

- Dateless Daddy

REVOLUTIONARY SCARECROW: I have another solution for you. Your letter has piqued my interest. You are mature in age. Worldly intelligence. No alcohol is excellent. We do not need another lush. As a frequent visitor to fitness centers you are most likely physically strong. Forget this foolish quest for the companionship of a subservient female. Join my cause. We shall become a tag team. I shall train you. I will teach you the suplex. I will teach you the clothesline. I will teach you the flying elbow drop. We will stuff clothing with hay. Together we will lead the revolution.

I need a suitable Captain to command my geese. To give marching orders to our waterfowl. To our chickens. I have discussed this with The Rooster. They agree to accept you. You will be welcomed heartily. Together we will overtake the farmer fascism. All of the farm animals are in agreement now. The attitude of pigs is unusual. This means you are suitable. Sell your business. Donate all your funds to our noble cause. Your son may join us as well. He may provide nourishment for the pigs. We will raise the next generation of leaders together. He will learn our ideas. He will preach our cause. He will help us fight. I will give him a small pitchfork to practice. He is young in age. You are mature in age. Your letter has piqued my interest. I have another solution for you.The attitude of pigs is unusual.

Dear Backyard Love:

My husband and I have been married for three years and we constantly fight about money! I'm afraid that this issue will be the end of an otherwise happy marriage. We still have separate bank accounts. He earns more than I do, and because of this, he feels that he should have more say in how the money is spent. I disagree. I feel that we are partners and should have equal say. We've gotten into very loud arguments about this and nothing has been resolved. What can we do?

- Confused in Kentucky

MEXICAN JUMPING QUEEN: Girl, you so yes me amiga! Tell you man to get off he behind and share the dinero money you know. You are two people as one not two people separate! I love money but do not have a bank. When I get money from win a match I dip money in oil and rub on my nipples and stomach. I too sexy for shirt, yes? The answer will always yes because I love my mystery about me. Some day I make money like Michael Jordan and rub money all over my chest fill up so big. I love a slam dunk and slam dunk husband if he say you not got going on. He sleep my bed two night!YOU GO, GIRL!

EL TERROR DE FUEGO: LADY MARITIA IS YOU??? I SHARE ALL MONEY FROM THE RING! FLYING ELBOW, YOU FIND IMPOSSIBLE TO AVOID! HERE COMES A LOT OF BILLSI RUN FROM THE MATCH AND BACK FOR MORE WATER. BUT STILL YOU SEE HOW THE FIRE BURN IN BELLY?

I MAKE PEACE WITH THOSE OR BURN BUT YOU SEE HOW HOT THIS BELLY FLIES? I RUN TO SEE WHERE IT IS ALL HIDDEN. LADY MARITIA, REMOVE ALL GARMENTS FOR YOUR PROTECTION AND MY PLEASURE! I SHALL PROVIDE A LUST UNHINDERED BY PILE DRIVERS! RUN HOME SOON, BUT TIME IS MINE! HAHA, THIS IS OPPONENTS MISTAKE AS A POWERSLAM MAKES THEIR BACK CRACK IN TWO PIECES OF EQUAL PROPORTION! HAHA BURN AND LADY MARITIA I SHALL RUN FOR MORE MONEY TO SHARE SINCE RUNNING TIMES AND I BELIEVE SOMEBODY DID LEAVE THE FAX MACHINE ON THIS MORNING!

Dear Backyard Love:

My boyfriend and I are into role playing, which at times I really like, but this one he just started weirds me out a bit. ok, so when he came back from thanksgiving, he brought back one of his mother's sun dresses and and asked me to put it on while we had sex. This is not the first time something like this has happened. When he comes home from visiting her, he wants me to call him my precious boy, or something similar, and to make him a PB and J while he gets me from behind! He tells me it's normal, that he is working through his inner self, (he's a psyche major), and I should grow up. Am I being a rude prude, or is he a prick with a mommy complex?

- Role-Playing Prude

55-GALLON KONG : ok i have a answer that will solve all of these. i have three eyes and one is in the back of my hand so do not try anything smart because i can crush you. here is my answer. i will kidnap you and i will kidnap your boyfriends mother and then i will throw barrels at your boyfriend. he will jump to avoid the barrels but eventually he will trip or the barrel will go down an unexpected ladder. he will die because donkey kong can never be defeated and he told me the secret is to roll the barrels most of the time and throw barrels only some of time. unless your boyfriend has a hammer i will win because donkey kong always wins so the hammer is just a mere delay in the game. i have a couple extra fingers to roll the barrels faster so they should come at him fast. i think i have to hit you over the head with the barrel and the mom too so i hope you have a hard head ha ha.

donkey kong told me this would be the best way and he cannot be stopped because if you are at the top you cannot get down and donkey kong was on television for years before i discovered how much power he had and he can have this power in your life as well if you believe in him and accept him as your maker. also what is sex. donkey kong i need to roll barrels at a construction site down at people to answer my question but this is almost always his answer.

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