Dear Backyard Love:

I am a man who is very much in love. We started dating right over the net we started last year and every since then I would go and see her every month and stay for the weekend. Things were going great and we had talked about marriage etc. I asked her to marry me in September and she said yes which made me so happy. For some reason she says things have changed between us but she won't talk to me. I sent cards and flowers and long letters but no response. She tells me that she loves me and that things are confusing but I don't know what to do nor think. Does she want to call it off or what? She told me that she doesn't want to think about our relationship. I don't want to think for her for I may say the wrong thing (like most men do) but I don't want to hold on to something that is not there. She has the engagement ring that she accepted but she doesn't wear it like she used to. If she wants to end the relationship then I would like to have the ring back. I mean why keep it if you don't love me or want to be with me?

- Worried and Confused

FUCK YOU NINJA!!!:Interesting. SHIT! Write her a letter - no COCK IN BALLS email! Tell her how this is hurting you, FAT ASS but that you are resigned to accepting ORGASM PEACH PIE the fact that she has either fallen out of love with you COLON COLON COLON COLON FUCKER COLON FUCKER, is too afraid to move forward in the direction you would like to go, OR she has met someone else. TOOTHRAPIST!!! Tell her that even though your heart is breaking you want her to be happy more than PISS ON ME anything else, and so you will let her PISS ON ME YOU JESUS RAG go if that is what she wants. GOATCUM 2000 Tell her to please return the ring so you can return it to the WHOREHOUSE YOUR MOTHER LIVES IN A WHOREHOUSE FILTHY FILTHY WHORES jewelry store and that you two will go on with your lives. ASSCRACK!!! Tell her that you will always remember BEATING OFF her and what she brought to your SWOLLEN BALLS life and that she showed you HER DICK GWOOOGGAAHHH love while it lasted. Then mail it and lets hope she does the right thing and returns the ring promptly. WHORE WHORE WHORE FILTHY WHORE.

EL TERROR DE FUEGO: ONCE UPON A RINGSIDE EVENT I WAS BATTLING THE EMBITTERED OPPONENT "GENERALCEREBELLUM" THE NOTED WARMAKER FROM UGANDA! HE WAS PREPARING TO DO AN UNHEALTHY EVENT WITH A FOLDING CHAIR ACROSS MY BACKSIDE, WHEN SUDDENLY I REMEMBER A IMPORTANT EVENT WITH MY MOTHER OR PERHAPS LADY SELLING CANCER DEVICE? I DID NOT KNOW.

BUT BEFORE I HAD A RESPONSE, THE FOLDER CHAIR LANDS ACROSS MY BACKSIDE, COLLAPSING ME AS A DRUNKEN VAGRANT WOULD IF HE HAD BEEN ENCOUNTERING A TRAIN ACROSS HIS LEGS. SOON GENERAL CEREBELLUM BEGAN A DANCE IN JOY TO WHICH I RESPONDED WITH A BRAINKICK AND GOUGING OF THE EYE AREA FOR DEFEAT. UPON LATER NOTIFICATION, I LEARN THAT MY ANGER WAS MISDIRECTED TOWARDS THE LADY SELLING CANCER DEVICES AND NOT GENERAL CEREBELLUM, WHO HAD LEFT THE ARENA HOURS BEFOREHAND. SO DO NOT PURCHASE FLOWERS AS THEY COME WITH INSECT MENACES WHO CLAIM PROPERTY WHICH IS NOT RIGHTFULLY THEIRS.

Dear Backyard Love:

I have been in a relationship with my boyfriend for five years. Up until two years ago, he was totally faithful, but as I said, two years ago he cheated and nothing has been the same. Now he lies about unimportant things, his girlfriend/mother of his child (which he happened to impregnate while we were "together") is literally stalking the both of us and HE still wants to be together. We've tried separating, but somehow we always end right back together. I don't want to leave him because I love him desperately but I don't want to be hurt. What do you suggest?

- Ms. Confused

55-GALLON KONG: huh? i dont understand. oh wait i get it, he's lying a lot and you dont trust him or something because he lies all the time over dumb stuff. okay.

well see you have to put his trust to the test. make him prove that hes not a liar like the guy at the walmart who said that colecovision is outdated and theres better stuff out there. i beat that liar with my tail until his skull collapsed. i hate liars. so you have to put his love to the test. go to a construction site and go to the top. then light stuff on fire and throw it at him. if his love is true then he'll be able to avoid the stuff and get to you and a big heart will appear. thats how you know its true love. hes probably a liar like all men are. just like all men he will be defeated in front of my hands. bring your kid and mother too so they can see him suffer. he can try to get that purple floating umbrella but it wont help him. these barrels are full of truth!

Dear Backyard Love:

I have been dating my boyfriend for 1 year and 3 months he says he loves me but I don't know what to think anymore. I live in another state because he moved back home and he never calls me or writes me. And when I go out to visit him he is always going out with his friends or these girls online talk to him and he says he's single. I heard he's even gone out with one girl where he's from. He said that he didn't but I don't know what to believe. I've been in his state for 3 weeks and I'm always stuck with his grandma all day by myself then he gets off work and leaves. When we get into fights he says it always my fault! He makes me cry of sadness and loneliness. I am also having his baby (I'm 2 months pregnant). Please help me - what should I do?

- Sad and Lonely

REVOLUTIONARY SCARECROW: You have problems. Your boyfriend has problems. You both have problems. I do not. I have no problems. I have solutions. I have an army. I have weapons. I have a tank disguised as hay. I have a grain silo that contains a deadly nerve gas. I am immune to this gas. Your boyfriend is not. I have solutions.

– Backyard Love

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