3. Shoot guns into the police
Society is a cage and it's time for you to rattle the bars. The police have been transformed into the agents the system uses to oppress you, the military its instruments of state violence. Nothing lowers your core temperature and wicks sweat quite like blasting shot after shot into the thin black line of riot police. And this heat, man alive, can you believe how hot it is? Hot enough to fry an egg and also blast the rag doll bodies of the police through the windows of a downtown Starbucks.
Petrol bombs, nail bombs and firearms, still readily available to non-felons in the United States, are like the air conditioners of a violent mob. Only when cool air can howl through the holes you've blasted in the ramparts of the corporate-fascist fortress will you know relief from this miserable heat.
2. Set fire to a smart car
Just like standing next to an unattractive person can make you seem more attractive, setting fire to something can make you seem cooler. At least you're not burning, right? Not yet, anyway! They're talking about bringing out the professional military to cool you guys off for good. Maybe hire some mercenaries, send in some drones, but how can their drones see you when the sky is choked with the black smoke of a thousand burning electric car batteries?
Well, they'll use their Mark XIII echoimaging to create a 3D informational environment back in one of those (air-conditioned) dark rooms full of computer screens. You know, the rooms where a bunch of creepy dudes wearing suits stand around and talk about football while disinterestedly observing satellite ghost images of your flash mob being incinerated by a missile. So what? Are you going to let them infect you with fear? You're worried about cooling off, so go ahead and torch that little car! Burn something bigger if you want, like this whole goddamn world.
1. Recognize that until we overthrow the dominion of global corporations and their lackeys operating in governments around the world we are no better off than slaves shackled in the hold of a boat sailing into the sun, our fates dictated by the whims of markets not even computers understand and the invisible, inexorable typhoon whirl of capital sucking us all down to the abyssal depths to be devoured a piece at a time. You must rise up, rise and overthrow the tyranny of wealth, rise and regain the means of production, rise no matter the price you must pay now, for the cost of inaction is the slow death of all people and all nations. Free yourself. Only one thing can feel better than such freedom:
The cool, refreshing taste of a frozen slush, Slurpee or Icee. There's a reason snow-cones and shaved ice put smiles on the faces of children on a hot summer day. Find a nice shady spot and enjoy a refreshing cold treat from an ice cream truck or street vendor.
The most beautiful woman on all of Facebook is no longer just enchanting your Facebook feed. She's here, y'all!
These sponges will make your hair WHITE and your teeth CURLY.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.