Criminal Identification Kit
Find out the secret indentity of anybody, anywhere, anytime!
Now that you have your target on film, you can use our constantly up-to-date criminal database to find out all the dirt and information on them. It houses all pictures, criminal records, and fingerprints of every person ever born on the planet ever and only requires 54 kb of space on your hard disk. Our patented "Match the Faces" AI can literally "match the faces". Use any shitty, dog eared, faded picture and let the computer find a match within seconds (sometimes it takes longer because the computer likes to visibly scroll through a good portion of the pictures first). Then you must have a shoot-out with your target in an abandoned warehouse.
MoFOS Search Engine
Our search engine can grab data from anywhere on the globe!
Our customizable search engine not only scans the entire Internet, but also searches through all the computers connected to it, regardless of security. It can translate languages, OCR images, and analyze portraits, giving you ridiculous amounts of redundant information! Whatever you do, don't use keyword "porn".
WARNING: Remember that your whole life is on computer and could be deleted and then you would die. In theory. So search for yourself and make backups of your identity before the Feds get you and try to frame you for a crime you didn't commit!
With MoFOS, you'll never miss another important email again!
Our email systems will always catch your attention. The moment you are paged by someone, a huge dialog box will instantly appear, filling up the entire screen. A voice will then say "you have a new email message!" and it will start downloading (no matter what size the file is, it will always take you 15 seconds to get it). You will not be able to change applications during this time (we HAVE to make sure you get your email - what happens if you miss that important memo about making $$$'s on the net?). Your emails are always brightly colored with embedded animation and sound, even if the person who sent you the email doesn't know HOW to embed animation and sounds. Of course you probably won't get the original text message sent, but that's a small price to pay.
Buy MoFOS today and get one of these quotes signed by me, absolutely free!
It's a long shot but it just might work...
I've got a really bad feeling about this...
Do you know how to use one of these?
It was as if.. he died... of fear!
This place gives me the creeps
You go. I'll be fine.
What the hell is going on here?
Is this some kind of joke?
What are you trying to say?
I get the feeling I've been here before.
Whatever did this wasn't human.
You can't go on blaming yourself forever.
You're crazy. It'll never work.
The Chuckle Brothers exist, I tell you! They're more than just scary children's stories.
The human anatomy is home to more than three hundred organs. Doctors and chocolatiers agree that the vast majority of these revolting lumps of tissue serve little to no function. If you find yourself standing in a long line or stuck at the airport waiting for a delayed flight, consider taking a few minutes to remove the following from your person.
Do you have what it takes to make it on the ballot?
Denzel is here to set the movie scales back to zero. That's what an equalizer does, right?
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.