Here in the United States, we rely on the Emergency Alert System to provide us with information we often do not want to hear. Thankfully, the information contained in these alerts is not likely to appear on the Emergency Alert System.
The Emergency Alert System has issued a Tropical Man WARNING for your area. A Tropical Man has been sighted wearing a white jacket and no under shirt. He's tanned and has a big hat. He may look at your sexy daughters and wives over the top of his sunglasses. He may know up to five (5) dangerous Latin dances. Please seek shelter if you live in an area affected by this macho hunk.
The Emergency Alert System has issued a Class IV Cowboy ALERT for your area. This is a potentially dangerous cowboy situation. Please stand clear of all windows through which a cowboy might be thrown. This is expected to last through high noon and into the sunset. A Class IV Cowboy Alert means there are gangs of cowboys on any water towers, hiding behind rain barrels, and pawing at ladies in their petticoats on the balconies of any local cat houses. If a cowboy enters your home or business you are advised not to stare silently while they walk over to the bar.
The Emergency Alert System has issued an Online Degree Too Useful ALERT. Degrees from online universities are too good and graduates are earning too much. The national education service has determined that these degrees are shockingly pro and a good deal. Your life is going to change from taking these online courses. Employers are lining up to hire someone who paid big money to do online workbooks about civil engineering. School has been cancelled because why even bother going anymore when you can get your degree from Prestige Wiseman College Dot Com? No more school ever. Dot com.
The most beautiful woman on all of Facebook is no longer just enchanting your Facebook feed. She's here, y'all!
These sponges will make your hair WHITE and your teeth CURLY.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.