At a Glance:Venomous Political Ego-Stroking "Fact" Books. You've seen them on the best seller list, you've seen them on the bookshelves of people you want to punch, you once saw a group of people gathered around burning them. From Rush Limbaugh to James Carville, Left to Right, Up to Down, these books are all fucking unbelievably horrible. All these hardcover doorstops manage to do is deconstruct the opposing side's opinions by outright lying, playing on emotion, or misrepresenting facts to further their own agenda. They are bought up by the millions because they affirm the pathetic lives of people whose sole hobby is arguing about politics and possibly fighting a losing battle with gambling addiction. One voice that has not been heard in this nauseating sea of conflicting opinions is that of long-time political analyst Daring Armstrong. Thankfully he's here, and in a few short chapters he will both appease you and enrage you no matter what your political affiliation.
Literary Hack Sub-Genre: Venomous Political Ego-Stroking "Fact" Books
Chapter One - Set Fire to the Homeless to Heat Our Swimming Pools
There are a lot of problems in America today and most of them can be traced to the policies of the liberals and the liberal controlled media. One thing you won't hear about much on the evening news is a little story about something that happened to me personally. I was driving into town to go to the grocery store in my brand new Ford Exhibition, it was raining very slightly inside the truck because my breath had condensed and formed rain-bearing cloud cover near the dome light a few hundred feet above my head. Normally I do not drive myself nor do I have to go to the grocery store and buy things, that's why I have nameless Mexican employees, but it was some Mexican holiday or they were being lazy as usual so it was up to me to purchase the meat trays for my wife's dinner party.
I had pulled up to a stop light, which my vague memory of driving myself told me was something I needed to halt at until it turned green. My thoughts were full of America as usual, things like George Washington, Abraham Lincoln, the Constitution, and the mandatory sterilization of the retarded. Suddenly a screeching toothless vagrant began pawing violently at my car with some sort of filth-wand that was dripping disgusting fluid all over my windshield. I turned on the wiper blades in the hopes that the sound of the diesel turbines that power their 16-foot armatures would frighten the derelict away. Unfortunately the man-beast only redoubled his efforts, howling incoherently and making motions which I believe meant he wanted to rape or eat me. Luckily my state has a concealed carry law and as usual I had my trusty Scorpion machine-pistol tucked inside my jacket pocket. For personal defense I like to carry incendiary man-stopper ammunition, because the stopping power of the shell combined with the fact that a hit causes the person to catch on fire is usually enough to save me from my many attackers.
I held a dollar bill up to the window and rolled it halfway down. As the vagrant approached I raised the barrel of my gun and emptied half a clip of 9mm HP-I into its face. Folks, let me tell you, never have I seen a more beautiful sight than a violent hobo burning in the streets of my city. The flames that issued from the creature's head were nearly white and the street around it was beginning to bubble and crack with the heat of the fire. The homeless carry within them a powerful secret, and one that may just provide us with decades of cheap energy.
I would like to establish, through these statistics that I have collected from a number of highly reputable sources and then used to draw ridiculously unrelated conclusions, that the homeless are both a menace and a limitless source of energy.As you can see from these unbiased statistics the homeless are a menace!In a 1996 study conducted by the Justice Department entitled "Locations of Crime" it was determined that 85.6% of violent crime was committed outside of the home of the victim. Only 14.4% of violent crimes was perpetrated within the home of the victim. I think we can establish with good faith that "outside the home" means people who have been preyed upon by the criminal homeless population. The only violent crime where normal citizens lead the homeless in overall numbers is domestic violence, and this can easily be attributed to the fact that in most states the homeless are not allowed to get married. In a related study conducted by the Federal Employment Commission in 1997 it was revealed that as unemployment increased so did the number of homeless and so did the number of violent crimes. This undeniably establishes that not only are the homeless the biggest threat to our safety these days, but also that those without gainful employment, even when coddled by the criminal welfare and unemployment systems, are more likely to become criminals.As you can see from these unbiased statistics the homeless are a wonderful power source!Now let's look at some facts about energy production. The most common unit of measurement for potential energy in items is calories, which represents the amount of energy which can be derived from something by burning it. Coal, for example, has a mere 75 calories per pound, yet it is one of the most widely used fuel sources in the United States. Reactor-grade uranium has even fewer calories at only 30 per pound, and solar power, which the environmentalists seem to love so much, has an almost criminal zero calories per pound, making it essentially worthless as an energy source. As you can see by my diagram, the homeless top the charts of energy sources with over 4,000 calories per pound, even more if they are refined! This discovery was monumental and will hopefully revolutionize both the criminal justice system and the power industry. Imagine cars running on clean-burning hobo power, entire cities being lighted for weeks on the energy produced by immolating a single derelict! With a few simple calculations I have determined that my Ford Exhibition will get almost three miles to the pound of hobo meat, almost a thousand times more efficient than diesel fuel!
I can heat my Olympic-sized outdoor swimming pool for an entire winter using only a single hobo, jobless person, or homosexual. You can expect any attempt by the righteous-right to enact policy regarding this walking fuel source to be stalled in committee by the Hitlercrats and Adolph Daschel.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Did you know that you only use 10% of your brain? You may have heard that before. But what if you could use 100%? YOU CAN!
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.