What is your greatest fear in life?
|"That's a tough one. I'm from a pre-theistic civilization and so I am really afraid of death and the concept that one day I will simply no longer exist. I guess even more than that I am afraid of things that come towards my face and make loud noises."|
|"Each day Jerusalem is in the hands of the non-Christian scum my greatest fear is realized. One day we will drive them all off cliffs and into the sea with iron flails and Jerusalem will be a city of Christ."|
|"Rainwater subsidence leading to structural collapse of the main shaft."|
|"The rise of Cuba and atheism."|
|"Taking too much Special K and ending up in the Catch a Predator house."|
|"Fear is the dangerous emotional extension of reflex action. Prozium clears the mind of the fog of fear, leaving the honed blade of reflexive response."|
What is your fondest memory?
|"When my father was eaten by a lynx. He was an okay guy, but when he died that meant I was next in line to have sex with my mother."|
|"Probably when myself and Red Roger found a little village of Moorish nomads and we convinced them to accept the divine authority of the papacy. A little burning and rape really helps shine the light of Christ."|
|"When the company doctor told me the black lung I thought I had was just a little old case of tuberculosis."|
|"I would have to say my frist drag on a cigarette back when I was fifteen. It was glorious and my T-zone has never been the same since."|
|"Mina, stripper I knew in Miami. She'd wear socks like the chick from The Craft and let me strangle her with a jump rope. I was out of my mind on coke one night and she let me choke two of her friends up against a wall while I did her back door. I dropped like a dump truck up in that."|
|"No single memory stands out. I derive simple satisfaction each time a pile of contraband is burned. Like this...book of poetry...I'm keeping for evidence."|
Do you enjoy your job?
|"If by job you mean remaining alive then yes, it has its ups and downs, but overall I enjoy being alive."|
|"There is nothing in this world nearly so invigorating as the hot splash of some berserk Mohammaden's blood across my visor."|
|"Oh yes, it's wonderful. I wake up each morning hoping I can lose my remaining seven fingers to the water drill."|
|"I love working in the field of transistors. It excites me to think of the possibilities they will open up for America. Can we use them to communicate with God? Quite possibly we will some day!"|
|"I make more money before 9 AM on ScotTrade than you can make in an entire year of digging sand pits or whatever you do. Of course I enjoy my job, have you seen the size of my TV? I don't even miss my father anymore thanks to that TV."|
|"Enjoyment is not the word I would use. I am glad that I am able to perform the tasks given to me by Father. I am glad whenever a sense offender is brought to justice, even my wife. She...yes, I am glad."|
Tucker Carlson's idiot brother just called New York mayor Bill de Blasio's spokeswoman a "LabiaFace."
Hey, have you guys ever seen a picture of a cat before? Well, guess what. It’s your lucky day, because I’m mixing the concept of a picture of my cat with the concept of the Internet!
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.