What is your social life like?
|"Have you ever seen a lizard crawl out of a vagina after you just got done having sex? No? Oh, well I was just asking hypothetically."|
|"It's about a 50/50 split between praying and ravishing harlots. I like to think of myself as quite the ladies' ravisher."|
|"I'm a pretty romantic guy. I like to come home to my wife, pop a wax cylinder of hymns on the phonograph, light some oil lamps, heat up some pork and beans on the coal stove, wipe some of the grime off my body with a wet rag, you know, just generally get my swerve on."|
|"I have a vibrant social life centered around high school football, films of ladies in form-correcting undergarments and men in horned fezs."|
|"Average night? I like to go out for some sushi and dancing with Karyn, maybe pick up a waitress for a threesome. If it's not that then you can catch me doing Molten Core runs with the level 60 shaman I bought on ebay. Yeah, I'm guild leader, what of it?"|
|"I prefer a quiet night at home. Eventually I will seek a mate to fill the place my late wife occupied, but for now I am content to stare at the bare walls of my apartment. Maybe tonight I'll look at the dusty old book of...nevermind. Forget I said anything."|
What is your favorite food?
|"Meat is good, but I think blood is my favorite. It goes down my throat so much faster. Some day I would like to eat a feather."|
|"The hearts of Berber infidels. Nah, just kidding! Gotta keep up appearances, you know! Human heart meat is way too gamey. I prefer lamb."|
|"Bread made from sawdust is pretty underrated. I mean, I'm not going to rave about it or anything, but it beats cat eyeballs."|
|"I enjoy a nice big plate of liver and onions with a healthy side portion of good starchy yams or Brussels sprouts. I like to eat them with a nice bale of cotton to mop up all the juice."|
|"I used to be really into pizza and Oreos. Now I'm into this dish you might have heard about, but you probably have never tried. Yep, it's called vaginas."|
|"Food? I eat vitamin-enriched nutrient bars, but that reminds me of a...poem...I once read. It was so beautiful. 'Beans, beans, oh musical fruit.' I hope to one day find these 'beans' and rapture in the beauty of discovery as I 'toot' for the first time in my life. It is written that the more you consume the more you will do this 'toot'. I will eat thousands of them. My toot will shake the foundations of Libria."|
What do you think the future will be like?
|"Maybe a little bit warmer with fewer snakes, but I'm a glass-half-full kinda guy."|
|"Imagine the grandest cathedral the world has ever known. Now triple it. Pretty awesome, isn't it?"|
|"Pretty much like this only with more rickets and enough steam engines and light filaments to repel Satan and allow us to read scripture in the black of night."|
|"Transistors...everyhwere! Transistors as large as trains - as large as skyscrapers - and we will have machines as vast as cities that will calculate every possible math equation in minutes."|
|"Pretty much a big porno version of The Matrix. I'm hoping anyway."|
|"Once I thought that we would eliminate the last of the sense offenders and free Libria of the turmoil and violence emotion brings. Now I realize that those emotions are what make us human. I owe this epiphany to music I heard in a sense offender's hidden stash of EC-10 material. It was this song, the man spoke of...thongs...and he sang it again and again. I wept for I am a human being!"|
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.