What is your social life like?
|"Have you ever seen a lizard crawl out of a vagina after you just got done having sex? No? Oh, well I was just asking hypothetically."|
|"It's about a 50/50 split between praying and ravishing harlots. I like to think of myself as quite the ladies' ravisher."|
|"I'm a pretty romantic guy. I like to come home to my wife, pop a wax cylinder of hymns on the phonograph, light some oil lamps, heat up some pork and beans on the coal stove, wipe some of the grime off my body with a wet rag, you know, just generally get my swerve on."|
|"I have a vibrant social life centered around high school football, films of ladies in form-correcting undergarments and men in horned fezs."|
|"Average night? I like to go out for some sushi and dancing with Karyn, maybe pick up a waitress for a threesome. If it's not that then you can catch me doing Molten Core runs with the level 60 shaman I bought on ebay. Yeah, I'm guild leader, what of it?"|
|"I prefer a quiet night at home. Eventually I will seek a mate to fill the place my late wife occupied, but for now I am content to stare at the bare walls of my apartment. Maybe tonight I'll look at the dusty old book of...nevermind. Forget I said anything."|
What is your favorite food?
|"Meat is good, but I think blood is my favorite. It goes down my throat so much faster. Some day I would like to eat a feather."|
|"The hearts of Berber infidels. Nah, just kidding! Gotta keep up appearances, you know! Human heart meat is way too gamey. I prefer lamb."|
|"Bread made from sawdust is pretty underrated. I mean, I'm not going to rave about it or anything, but it beats cat eyeballs."|
|"I enjoy a nice big plate of liver and onions with a healthy side portion of good starchy yams or Brussels sprouts. I like to eat them with a nice bale of cotton to mop up all the juice."|
|"I used to be really into pizza and Oreos. Now I'm into this dish you might have heard about, but you probably have never tried. Yep, it's called vaginas."|
|"Food? I eat vitamin-enriched nutrient bars, but that reminds me of a...poem...I once read. It was so beautiful. 'Beans, beans, oh musical fruit.' I hope to one day find these 'beans' and rapture in the beauty of discovery as I 'toot' for the first time in my life. It is written that the more you consume the more you will do this 'toot'. I will eat thousands of them. My toot will shake the foundations of Libria."|
What do you think the future will be like?
|"Maybe a little bit warmer with fewer snakes, but I'm a glass-half-full kinda guy."|
|"Imagine the grandest cathedral the world has ever known. Now triple it. Pretty awesome, isn't it?"|
|"Pretty much like this only with more rickets and enough steam engines and light filaments to repel Satan and allow us to read scripture in the black of night."|
|"Transistors...everyhwere! Transistors as large as trains - as large as skyscrapers - and we will have machines as vast as cities that will calculate every possible math equation in minutes."|
|"Pretty much a big porno version of The Matrix. I'm hoping anyway."|
|"Once I thought that we would eliminate the last of the sense offenders and free Libria of the turmoil and violence emotion brings. Now I realize that those emotions are what make us human. I owe this epiphany to music I heard in a sense offender's hidden stash of EC-10 material. It was this song, the man spoke of...thongs...and he sang it again and again. I wept for I am a human being!"|
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.