What do you like to do for fun?
|"If you put the right rock at the top of the hill it will go all the way down to the bottom on its own as if by magic. I find this to be positively delightful."|
|"I'm not sure what you mean by that. I devote my whole life to service of the Lord Our God, what could be more fun than that? Tilling a field or digging graves for stillborn babies might be all the rage where you are from, but I would much rather be serving the Lord."|
|"I have some terrifying illustrations of savage pygmies and medical oddities that I can marvel at for hours on end."|
|"We have more than one channel on the television now. It is such an amazing device, I can spend almost two hours a week watching the thing."|
|"Offshore my assets to a bank in the Caymans or Saipan and then offshore my ass to Amsterdam for some sticky icky and a six foot tall hooker with a vagina like a sucking chest wound."|
|"These Scratch N' Sniff stickers I found taped to a water pipe are amazing. The one that smells like 'barf' is the most indescribable thing I have ever experienced. It was like having an orgasm combined with kicking a shotgun so it reverses in a guy's hands and then shooting him in the chest. I could 'scratch and sniff' these things all day."|
What do you picture yourself doing in 20 years?
|"If I can find a nice and arid cave I should be on my 15th or so year of mummification. I'll try to flip the bird when I die so I can give the finger to some climbers from Austria in about 32,000 years."|
|"Odds favor having my skeleton picked clean by some wild dogs, but I'm going to be positive and say that my corpse will be slowly decomposing in a catacomb protected by the Knights Templar. Of course the real me will be ravishing harlots and slaying non-believers in the big pillaged city in the sky."|
|"I'm sure by then I will have mined enough coal to become a wealthy doctor in Manhattan and I can retire with my comely and obedient Celestial woman."|
|"Kissing my daughter's boyfriend Aaron in the back of our station wagon. Oh, God bless, did I say that?"|
|"I'm picturing myself stretched out on a beach in Bali, two hard-body models with New York implants working me like a gerbil wheel, maybe taking a break from time to time to rehydrate with pomegranate margaritas and check my Google stock. You know, American dream. I'm living it triple XL style."|
|"One of these days I would just like to sit down and enjoy the things that I have been detroying for so long. This beautiful portrait of Hulk Hogan on black velvet, this CD of world music put out by the GAP, this handsome clown face wallpaper, these Polaroids someone took of a hairy vagina, this house a second grader drew on notebook paper, John Cage's stunning 4'33". I will savor it all while I eat as many Bagel Bites and drink as many pouches of Capri Sun as my body will allow. Did you know that the men of the past made a beautiful woman out of silicon rubber and then made love to her? Incredible.".|
If you could send one message to a future generation, what would that message be?
|"One word: rocks. Invest now. Get in while they're still starting out, because kid, these things are gonna be huge."|
|"Hey, what's up, guys? Hope you enjoy the Bible a lot. If not, well, whoops! I thought we were onto something."|
|"You did this to ussssss... You know, like a wraith. Maybe point a glowing finger at them."|
|"Find a way to use transistors to cure homosexuality. I know the truth is in them, just waiting to be unlocked by juicing enough electricity through them."|
|"Shit, I'll just tell them myself. I have a bank account set aside for my clone and everything, with strict instructions to clone me using a hot chick as the mom. Booya!"|
|"I would send the same message that the great 20th century poets Zager and Evans sent in their heart-wrenching masterpiece 'In the Year 2525'. That message is simple: be careful or you'll end up turning into a motionless blob that spawns babies out of jars. Nobody wants that...except Father...who expects us to sit by and give in calmly...coolly...entirely without incident. No! Not without incident.|
Someone press play on that stereo, I have some faces to shoot."
The way in which the average man has evolved over the centuries is sometimes predictable and sometimes surprising. It is telling that a glimpse at our distant past can in many ways offer us a glimpse at our distant future. The objects and devices with which men fill their lives have changed dramatically, but the motivations and interests changed very little. Try to imagine Cave Man as a Grammaton Cleric. Not so difficult to visualize is it? Try to picture a modern man riding with the armies of the Crusades. Commonalities abound.
Perhaps some day we will diverge into a species of placid and beautiful people living on the surface and a species of vicious subterranean monsters, but for now, the differences are minimal.
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.