Chapter Three - The Caves of Dwarf City
Deep within the tunnels of Red Rock Mountain Darestrong and his two companions entered the chambers of the Dwarven King Lobo. The dwarf was getting a package of Funyons off a shelf with the assistance of a step ladder and a wooden contraption with a claw on the end. Trueshot stepped forward to offer assistance.
“Back off ye faggot elf!” Shouted King Lobo. “I’ve been short since I was a wee lad, ye think I don’t know how to get me Funyons?”
Trueshot apologized profusely and Darestrong chuckled at his expense. The dwarves were a proud race of very small people, renowned for their craftsmanship and bravery on the field of battle. If Darestrong could convince them to attack the undead as they moved out of the valley of Elflandia then he could sneak in behind the army and attack Skullulon.
He explained his plan to the snacking king. Trueshot was stricken with grief when he thought the king might refuse them assistance. Sexina just stood there pushing out her chest and doing magical things that looked sexy. At the end of Darestrong’s explanation the king stood up and began brushing Funyon crumbs from his beard.
“Yer exploits be legendary lad, that I canna deny,” said the Dwarf King thoughtfully, “but ye be askin’ to much of us, why should we help you?”
“Because humans stand for one thing,” replied Darestrong lifting his chin, “democracy. And without democracy this whole Forgotten World will collapse. The elves, yeah, we could do without them, but if the undead destroy humanity we will be left only with their brand of evil.”
“Fascism?” Asked the dwarf king.
“Communism,” responded Darestrong.
The dwarf king pounded his fist on the snack nook table and promised to play his part in Darestrong’s plan. They all celebrated and drank to the new alliance between men, elves, dwarves, and sexy women, proving that if races could only get past their prejudices they could triumph over evil. That’s assuming their plan actually defeats Skullulon, which you can safely assume since this is volumes 1-97 of a 350 volume set.Darestrong made Sexina's egg emerge from her forehead harder than she ever had before, and their egg ghost was incredible.
After the celebration Darestrong and Sexina found themselves alone in an alcove. Trueshot had conveniently passed out on the floor and Darestrong knew it was his best chance to make a move.
“Baby,” he said, pulling Sexina close to him. “We may not live through tomorrow, but let’s truly live right now…in today.”
“Oh Darestrong,” she cried, “I feel like you’ve cast Mordinkine’s Burning Hands on my passion.”
“That’s right,” he said, fumbling to untie her chain mail bikini top, “I’m about to cast level ten earthquake on your world when I use my wild magic to dispel your ward of protection from sexy creatures.”
“My armor class is dropping,” she moaned as he ravished her, “I’m failing my saving throw versus shafts.”
Having never had sex before you probably can’t imagine what happened next. This works to our advantage in getting past teen-targeted literature regulations.
Darestrong rotated his arms really fast and Sexina moaned even louder. She was about to lay her egg on the floor of the cave. Steam started to come out of Darestrong’s ears and Sexina could feel the egg forming out of her forehead. There was a sound like a duck quacking and the egg fell out. It landed on the floor of the cave and Darestrong smashed it between his hands and collapsed with exhaustion. There was a sound like a harp and a ghost flew out of the egg yolk and into the sky.
“That was the best sex ever,” said Sexina with contentment.
“I know it was,” replied Darestrong with a wink.
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.