The gaming industry recently dropped a bomb onto the online community, revealing a promising new technology that will revolutionize multiplay as we know it - PowerPlay. According to many articles and reports, PowerPlay, which has influential backers such as Cisco and Valve Software, will cause lag to be a relic of the past.
"PowerPlay is an industry effort to identify ways to make the Internet a better platform for entertainment", Gabe Newell of Valve Software explained in an interview with Eurogamer. "Initially with PowerPlay 1.0 the focus will be on quality of service (i.e. making playing on the Internet feel like playing on a LAN), but over time PowerPlay 2.0 will address functionality as well."
Yes, you heard that correctly. By having your local ISP implement the PowerPlay system, you'll be able to experience the unadulterated joy of LAN gaming over your 56k modem AOL connection. Sound too good to be true? We thought that as well, so we fired off a few questions to Gabe Newell. Unfortunately, Gabe was not able to talk to us, as Valve's PR guy said "He's really busy with, uh, you know, making models and stuff." When we reminded the PR person that Gabe is the managing director and doesn't do modeling, he said he had a call on the other line and had to go. So since we weren't able to talk to Gabe personally about this, we did the next best thing; we ran our questions through the State Og Patented Gabe Newell Simulation Device and came up with a very interesting interview which might have actually occurred if we had really interviewed him.
SA: Can you tell us more about the PowerPlay project and what it aims to do?
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: PowerPlay has been designed with Cisco from the ground up to give gamers the feel of LAN-like gaming speeds over their modems. The Internet has an untapped potential to be the ultimate gaming platform, but current limitations on hardware and software restrict it from being so, according to Cisco. By utilizing the power of my infinite wisdom and some vague, conceptual technology from Cisco, we will make this occur.
SA: What kind of hardware requirements will this system need? How will upcoming games support this technology? Won't the entire Internet need to be overhauled to support this new protocol?
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: We're supported by Cisco!
SA: Interesting. Could you please explain how exactly this technology will work? While you've provided many promises regarding the functionality of PowerPlay, you have never really given a sufficient explanation of how it will work.
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: Sure, here's some diagrams the engineers at Cisco made for me while I was visiting Cisco. This should explain everything.
SA: Fascinating. Could you elaborate on how this will affect the ISPs which choose to conform to PowerPlay standards?
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: It will make modem gaming feel like playing on a LAN!
SA: Some people are wary that John Carmack, the founder of online FPS gaming, has not voiced support for PowerPlay, claiming, "I'm all for improvements in networking infrastructure, but at this point, there isn't anything actually there, just an intention to improve gaming" . How do you respond to these critics?
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: John is a pussy and is just jealous because we've got Team Fortress 2 coming out in mid 2003. PowerPlay will revolutionize online gaming as we know it! PowerPlay will change the world! PowerPlay will make LAN parties a thing of the past because you'll think you're playing on a LAN every time you start a fucking modem game! Cisco told me so! We ran the concept behind PowerPlay to a select group of people and look at these astonishing benchmarks and results!
DCP Xfer rate: 4723.821 bps
In / Thru Ratio: 9:1
Async Entry: 83.992
Doppler Plug: 3
DCP Xfer rate: 8529.443 BPS
In / Thru Ratio: 12:1
Async Entry: 66.329
Doppler Plug: 8
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: And that's not all! Just listen to some of PowerPlay's satisfied customers!
"Before PowerPlay, my life was just a meaningless series of events. I had no reason to go on living. Then Valve Software and Cisco made PowerPlay and I discovered there is a God! Now I am the owner of a major auto dealership, or perhaps I am a very important Congressman!"
- R.K., Portland
"PowerPlay saved my failing marriage, reunited me with my lost brother, and cured my chronic masturbation problem! Thank you, PowerPlay!"
- X.Y., Blisstonia
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: If you order PowerPlay for your ISP now, we'll also throw in a complimentary Valve Software coffee mug and "TFC For Dummies" book! A $19.99 value, all yours for free!
SA: Wow Gabe, that's really thrilling! PowerPlay looks to be more exciting than the secondcoming of Jesus Christ himself! With such important and powerful backers as Valve Software and Cisco, we're sure to see a winner!
Gabe Newell Simulation Device: Don't forget we have Cisco backing us!
A special thanks to State Og for the Gabe Newell Simulation Device and access to their prescription medication.
Maria Mitchell is shown holding a telescope to each eye, using them to ogle passing hunks on the street below. OOOGA! Her tongue rolls out like a firehose, her eyes comically bulging through the ends of the telescopes.
The Internet experience of 2014 has been condensed into a single article for your convenience.
Youtube user HolkHogan420 has been systematically exposing all of the Illuminati's plans.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.