Old Time Basketball
Continuing our horror theme, here's Old Time Basketball, a game so tired and repetitive it almost bored us to death. In this snoozefest, you have to shoot a ball into a basket while a mechanical man tries to stop you by waving his arms. That's right: more of the same put-the-ball-in-the-hole gameplay found in Old Time Soccer, Old Time Golf, and Old Time HoleBall. We've enjoyed sports games in the past (see our reviews of Motopolo, Jet Hockey, and Explodeball), but this lame trend of sports games based on actual sports needs to stop. Gamers work hard for their quarters, and expecting them to pay for something they can watch on TV for free is frankly dumb and stupid.
Another thing we noticed about this game: the opponent player looks almost exactly like a German bootleg G.I. Joe doll we recently purchased on Ebay. Did the makers of this game rip off the doll or is it just a coincidence? We asked the arcade manager, but he declined to comment aside from an autism joke that was way over the line *referee whistle*. Time out!
|Insensitive Comments of Neurotypicals||F|
After the Haunted House debacle, we didn't expect much from the next Midway game on our queue. We fully expected to give Chopper a negative review. And since the arcade closed before we could play it, we went with our intuition and did.
But then the next day we played it. Boy were we wrong. We apologize to anyone who read our original review, "Chopper: A Crime against Gaming." Here is our revised version.
Chopper, simply put, is a masterpiece. This first-rate thrill-ride more than makes up for its developer's past sins. The player controls a helicopter attempting to defeat a series of aliens by shining a beam of light on them. The interface is very chopper-like, consisting of a metal stick approximately 7" long and .5" in diameter. You may, as the game progresses, find yourself talking to the stick. The chopper is somewhat difficult to control, but so is a real chopper, and any TV sitcom writer or football player will tell you that a high level of realism is necessary for suspension of disbelief.
We can barely suspend our disbelief at how fun this game is. Gameplay is fast and frantic as alien monsters climb up skyscrapers. Some also climb down, almost as if to mock your piloting skills. The monsters are scary and highly detailed. Almost McFarlanesque. The first time you see one, you may metaphorically fall out of your chair.
Chopper is the best game ever made by human beings. We guarantee it's the most fun you'll have doing anything while alive. Tell your local arcade to get it immediately. If they refuse, throw quarters and pocket lint at the manager's head while unleashing your mighty kick on his shins.
|Realism of Aliens||A|
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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