Mission Two - When Eagles Daring
The morning sun had just crossed the horizon and was casting a reddish illumination over the hilly landscape surrounding Hitler's Eagle's Roost. In the clouds high above this fortress of terror hovered an American helicopter, undetected by the Luftwaffe or anyone else on the ground. Inside the helicopter Sergeant Daring Armstrong readied his parachute.
"I sure hope this crazy stealth helicopter of Einstein's worked," commented Armstrong as he chomped on his cigar. "The last thing I want is a nice big kraut welcoming party when I hit the ground."
Originally this plan to kill Hitler and end the war in Europe had included all of the Fightin' Fireballs. Unfortunately, they had all been killed in action except for Sergeant Armstrong, who refused to let the Pentagon cancel the mission and agreed to go by himself. Now all he had to do was parachute down when they spotted Hitler's motorcade, kill Hitler, and rendezvous with a French resistance fighter named Maude who would help him escape. Sergeant Armstrong had other plans, he was going to tear the wig right off the Fuehrer and show it to general Rommel to force him to surrender and end the war. Or something, he hadn't worked out all the details yet but he figured he had a good ninety seconds on the way down to finish filling in all the details.
"Here they come Sergeant," said the pilot of the helicopter who was using a computer scope to zoom in on the evil garage of the Eagle's House.Sergeant Daring Armstrong will be forever remembered as the ultimate hero."Wish me luck you fairies," joked Daring Armstrong as he jumped out of the helicopter and began plummeting towards the scenic German countryside below. A few hundred feet above the motorcade containing Hitler he opened his parachute; a giant American flag! Some of the SS guards in the motorcade saw the flag in the sky and pointed up at it, but they wished they hadn't when Armstrong shot their fingers clean off with his superscope sniper rifle. One by one he killed all of the guards in the motorcade, leaving only Hitler and his chauffer.
The driver of Hitler's Porsche limousine put the pedal to the metal trying to escape the heroic American patriotic hero Sergeant Armstrong, but he was able to maneuver his parachute so that he landed on the hood of the car.
"This one is for Johnson!" Armstrong punched the driver of the car right in the jaw and knocked him out cold. Hitler raised his hands in surrender because he knew it was curtains with someone like Armstrong around.
"Sorry butthead," Armstrong said, "your chance to give up is long past, now it's time to pay the piper."
He punched Hitler right in the face and knocked him out of the back of the car, then he totally jumped off the car and landed right next to Hitler who had a bloody nose.
"I see even jerks bleed red," said Armstrong as he picked Hitler up off the ground and started punching him in the stomach. He would have used his superscope sniper rifle but he shot all his bullets on the way down.
"Ach please nein American, I given sie upsie!"
"Fat chance booger breath," explained Armstrong as he continued to pummel Hitler, "your days of invading countries are numbered and that number is zero which is what number you are about to be too!"
"Ach please American, Ich havsie ein wife and three children!"
Now Sergeant Armstrong was a tough man, a man who loved democracy and hated commies, Japs, and Nazis, but even he would hesitate to kill a parent of children. Which is what he did, which is to say that he hesitated.
"No wait a second punk, I thought you didn't have any kids."
Armstrong let go of Hitler to rub his unshaven chin in dramatic contemplation. Hitler took the opportunity to reach for a poison dagger that was hidden in his boot.
"Now sie tables they are turning herr American!"
Hitler lunged at Sergeant Armstrong but there wasn't a newborn's chance in a tiger cage that he would actually connect with the poison dagger. Armstrong grabbed Hitler by the wrist and forced him to stab himself in the shoulder. Hitler's eyes rolled back into his head and he started foaming at the mouth.
"That was a big mistake!"
Armstrong grabbed Hitler again and lifted him over his head. There was a cliff nearby and as Hitler started twitching Sergeant Armstrong threw him off the cliff. When Hitler hit the bottom he exploded in a massive fireball.
Armstrong looked at the Nazi wig clutched in his hand.Sergeant Daring Armstrong (not pictured) is so heroic that even looking at photocopies of his driver's license will make you a hero."One more score to settle."
Moments later he burst into the secret planning room of the German Empire where Rommel was instructing all of the other generals on how to proceed with global conquest.
"Hey you lousy Desert Rat!" Sergeant Armstrong shouted as he entered the room. "Your war is over like the Hully-Gully!" He reached into his pocket and took out Hitler's wig and threw it onto the map of the world knocking some really cool little tank and ship models out of the way. Rommel looked at the wig. A few stupid generals started to reach for laser pistols but one glare from Armstrong and a warning hand from Rommel stopped them from doing something they would regret.
"Alright herr Armstrong," said Rommel walking over to a filing cabinet, "I have surrender papers here that we will sign."
"Now you're talking turkey you…turkey."
A single tear rolled down Rommel's weathered face as he signed the surrender document. Sergeant Armstrong's signature read "Don't Mess With Texas". Armstrong wanted to stick around to rub the Nazi's noses some more in how bad he just whooped their butts, but instead he took one of their motorcycles and drove all the way to his rendezvous with Maude. Naturally as soon as she heard that the war was over she had sex with him. Also she was really hot.
Transgressive author Chuck Palahniuk is here to help with tips and tricks to hacking your life.
Not what I had in mind when I ordered an Italian gondolier. This is literally just a tiny toy. Needless to say, the Italian businessmen were not impressed and I looked like a damn fool. We lost the pizza pie account and will have to lay off half our factory.
Time to applaud the man who applauds in a loop until the end of time.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.