|You've got a message! (1 of 5)|
Bad news, Adverse Interests, LLC. Your Nion, Fabulous Las Vegas Showgirls, has died in the field. Please review the asset profile and make the arrangements that apply.
"These broads was gorgeous, let me tell you. My old goomah or two useda be wid em when they was at the Bellagio with that fruity magician looks like a robot. Anyways we used them one time to jack a truck of DVD players. Just go out in the road and make the truck stop then we went in and beat the driver with hoses full of BBs. The girls joined in of their own volatilation. So that worked. Heh."
"A great distraction or entertainment, but be warned, these are wild girls. They will tear up your dressing room, lair, or technocave. They fight dirty and like to beat people to death with bike chains and hit them in the genitals with wrenches or lead pipes. When our contract ran out they left scat everywhere and wrote profanities in menstrual blood on our giant holograph screen."
|Fabulous Las Vegas Showgirls|
AKA: Dawn, Chastity, Candy, Dawn, Dawn, Dakota, and Dawn, The Tamarind Girls, The Texas Snugglettes, Los Quiveranchos, Tex Astair's PG-13 Lady Parts Revue, Free Buffet Teaser, but they prefer to be called "Entertainers."
Customer Score: 58% (rate)
Availability: More Units Available!
Capabilities: Each girl has a minimum of level five Jazz Hands training, bustierity, not-a-goddamn-stripperness, will suck the heat tiles off a space shuttle if it will get them the lead in the Venetian's production of Satin Nights: An Exotic Dance Tribute to the Music of Moody Blues.
Equipment: Giant feathered headdresses, rhinestone-encrusted lingerie, belly jewelry, impractical combat shoes, feather boas (NOT quetzalcoatls), chains, baseball bats, and ground glass dust.
Special Training/Notes: Girls may bite. Rabies vaccinations for all workers who will be in direct contact are a must.
|Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:|
Cast as the showgirls for the Adverse Interests touring production of Starlight Express featuring David Bowie, they arrived at Caesar's Palace and deployed their feminine wiles on hotel representatives. When these wiles failed they resorted to aluminum baseball bats and chloroform. It was not until after their opening night performance, as they were trying to move the bags of cash and jewelry, that they were intercepted by Rainbow-8 team members. In a running gun battle all of the girls were killed in the line of duty. They killed several of (more)
Evil Cooper and Chechen President Ramzan Kadyrov have both been on a rampage, but who did what?
"Your left eye," the optometrist casually explained while blasting my face with a blue laser at point blank range, "is farsighted and shaped like an eyeball. The other eye is nearsighted and shaped like a football. Not even a good football."
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.