|You've got a message! (2 of 5)|
Bad news, Adverse Interests, LLC. Your Nion, Extraordinarily Lazy SEIU Union Chief, has died in the field. Please review the asset profile and make the arrangements that apply.
"I have never seen someone this lazy before. He's incredible. When he showed up I gave him a pamphlet to read about our organization, maybe 400 words, and he had to take three naps to get through it. I asked him to put on a uniform and I came back and he had one arm and his head through the neck of the shirt. He was using his free arm to put hot peppers on a meatball sub someone brought in for him. At 8:17 AM he went to 'drop a deuce' and did not return for five hours. He was perfect! "
"I hire this guy whenever I'm in Vegas and I just want to fuck with a convention. Last year I sent him to the T.E.A.M. convention and their first speaker had to stand on a table and yell because none of the equipment was set up and the catering was cold because he stole all of the chafing dishes. "
|Extraordinarily Lazy SEIU Union Chief|
AKA: That Layabout, Who is that Fat Fuck Asleep in His Truck, Mr. Disappearing Chafing Dishes, Yes He is Just Gonna Stand There and Look Stupid, Get it Yourself, Puffy Pensions the Donutbringer.
Customer Score: 63% (rate)
Availability: Currently Unavailable!
Capabilities: SBDs (advanced covert fartlaying technique), giving a bad name to all unionized workers, taping cables and shit to the carpet or whatever, making a convention start late, just putting stuff wherever, letting them figure it out, yawning (maximum), invented the concept of "pizza breaks."
Equipment: A union shirt at least one size too small, bluejeans and no belt, a lanyard, a laminated card, some union literature, gaffer's tape, a silenced vodonov 10mm, really juicy armpits.
Special Training/Notes: Spent five years as an electrician, but now he is technically on disability so if you see somebody videotaping let him know it might be workman's comp people trying to nail him again. He is really good at sabotaging shit, just don't ask him to fix anything because that is not in his contract.
|Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:|
At the Mirage showing of Starlight Express, Extraordinarily Lazy SEIU Chief crawled into a duct during the pre-show comedy act and fell asleep while eating candy. The heating system engaged, startling him and causing him to inhale a piece of candy. While choking he decided to take a pizza break and subsequently died while waiting for the deliveryman to climb into the ventilation and (more)
Ferguson's long arm of the law laments the latest cutback.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.