|You've got a message! (4 of 5)|
Bad news, Adverse Interests, LLC. Your Nion, Tereen the Impossiblist, has died in the field. Please review the asset profile and make the arrangements that apply.
"Tereen is not particularly tough and you can't rely on his shuriken skills to dispatch some Red Guard spies infiltrating your operation in Arkhangelsk. He was really good with the kids though, they were easily hypnotized into become plague-carrying psycho slaves that we could release them into the unsuspecting slums of Rio and Mexico City."
"Helped me quit smoking. Did not help me hypnotize T.E.A.M. agents as they broke out of my maze of madness. Keep in mind, I was also deploying hypnogas."
|Tereen the Impossiblist|
AKA: Amazing Tereen, Shocking Tereen, Surprising Tereen, Attention-Getting Tereen, Tereen the Improbablist, Tereen the Unlikelymancer, Tereen the Longoddsoror, Tereen the Infeasiblographer, Ricky
Customer Score: 43% (rate)
Availability: Currently Unavailable!
Capabilities: Hypnotism (evil), hypnotism (weight loss), hypnotism (smoking cessation), hypnotism (creepy), hypnotism (embarrassing), nose disappearing, quarter finding (ear), smoke machine, number guessing, astonishing, baffling, perplexing, shurikening.
Equipment: Cape, spare cape, spare cape with screen-printed face, erotic cape (with warlock collar), penetrating gaze, penetrating 7.62mm high velocity rounds, beautiful assistant (hypnothrall).
Special Training/Notes: The talent requires a plate of cheeses and cold meat cuts, crackers, fruits, carrots, at least two dips, a parrot that knows the talent's name and at least four swear words, bottled water, ladyfingers (cookies), ladyfingers (literal), Pepsi and Diet Pepsi, and a pencil or charcoal sketch of the talent. All to be prepared and left out in the dressing room which is to be located in the EIGHTH DIMENSION!!!!
|Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:|
After hypnotizing the crowd as usual so that the girls could collect all of their valuables, Tereen retired to his dressing room. Feeling guilty about gaining weight from eating cold cuts and cheese, Tereen attempted to hypnotize himself into losing weight, but accidentally convinced himself that he was a chicken. The contractual parrot was startled awake by this performance and attacked, slaughtering Tereen under the mistaken belief that he was a chicken, hated enemy of(more)
Did Louis C.K. jerk off in front of two female comics? And why are these ladies squandering an opportunity to learn from a comedy legend?
Elliot said my breakup must have been due to the sweater curse, an unexplained phenomenon where anyone who gives their significant other a hand-knit sweater gets dumped. The only way to break the curse, Elliot said, was to destroy the sweater.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.