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Bad news, Adverse Interests, LLC. Your Nion, 50 Kogandan Child Soldiers, has died in the field. Please review the asset profile and make the arrangements that apply.
"I was running a diamond mine in Ecuador when UNFORCE decided to tie the invisible hand of the free market. A couple orders of Kogandan Child Soldiers changed things around and now the inside of my lair is decorated with blue helmets!"
"Excavate one portal to hell in the middle of Sub-Saharan Koganda and suddenly the Rabondi tribesmen are complaining. It's all 'my water is blood now' this and 'all of my wives turned into scorpions' that. Feh. 50 Kogandan Child Soldiers shut them up for good."
|50 Kogandan Child Soldiers|
AKA: Kogandan Liberty and Brotherhood Patrol, Papa Ghost's Shining Warriors, Chop Mob, The Honorable Army of Koganda
Customer Score: 76% (rate)
Availability: More Units Available!
Capabilities: Eliminating witches, eliminating Rabondi ethnic minority, eliminating missionaries, destabilizing a region, scaring off investment, chopping faces/arms/genitals, firing an RPG or AK-47 while leaping, playing videogames.
Equipment: RPG-7 launchers firing shells washed up in a crate on the beach, AK-47s recovered from a Russian army base abandoned in 1971, and lucky Superbowl XL Champion Seattle Seahawks t-shirts that protect them from bullets unless they have offended Papa Ghost.
Special Training/Notes: All of the soldiers are able to will bullets aside by drinking Ghostbeer made from beer and cocaine. Unfortunately, they cannot usually see bullets and will them to stop before they are shot with said bullets.
|Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:|
Used to attack a police station in London as diversionary strike. After initial successes against the unarmed London police a number of firearms officers arrived on the scene. After shooting several brown skinned children from South America who might have been black kids with Ak-47s, the firearms officers moved in on the station and engaged in a two hour gun fight. Most of the child soldiers blew themselves up by firing a rocket launcher out a window at a bus for no apparent reason. The survivors were too high on cocaine to surrender and had to be (more)
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
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