You've got a message! (1 of 5)

Bad news, Adverse Interests, LLC. Your Nion, 50 Kogandan Child Soldiers, has died in the field. Please review the asset profile and make the arrangements that apply.


Customer Comments:

"I was running a diamond mine in Ecuador when UNFORCE decided to tie the invisible hand of the free market. A couple orders of Kogandan Child Soldiers changed things around and now the inside of my lair is decorated with blue helmets!"
- Nikolas Woehammer, CFO (DeBeers)

"Excavate one portal to hell in the middle of Sub-Saharan Koganda and suddenly the Rabondi tribesmen are complaining. It's all 'my water is blood now' this and 'all of my wives turned into scorpions' that. Feh. 50 Kogandan Child Soldiers shut them up for good."
- The Electric Soviet, manager (Blackheart Charitable Trust)

50 Kogandan Child Soldiers

AKA: Kogandan Liberty and Brotherhood Patrol, Papa Ghost's Shining Warriors, Chop Mob, The Honorable Army of Koganda

Customer Score: 76% (rate)

Availability: More Units Available!

Capabilities: Eliminating witches, eliminating Rabondi ethnic minority, eliminating missionaries, destabilizing a region, scaring off investment, chopping faces/arms/genitals, firing an RPG or AK-47 while leaping, playing videogames.

Equipment: RPG-7 launchers firing shells washed up in a crate on the beach, AK-47s recovered from a Russian army base abandoned in 1971, and lucky Superbowl XL Champion Seattle Seahawks t-shirts that protect them from bullets unless they have offended Papa Ghost.

Special Training/Notes: All of the soldiers are able to will bullets aside by drinking Ghostbeer made from beer and cocaine. Unfortunately, they cannot usually see bullets and will them to stop before they are shot with said bullets.

Asset Liquidation Clause: In the event of asset liquidation in the field, a payment totaling $250 is to be paid to President-General Doctor Mmtuta "Little Butcher" Kawali.


Circumstance of Contract Liquidation:

Used to attack a police station in London as diversionary strike. After initial successes against the unarmed London police a number of firearms officers arrived on the scene. After shooting several brown skinned children from South America who might have been black kids with Ak-47s, the firearms officers moved in on the station and engaged in a two hour gun fight. Most of the child soldiers blew themselves up by firing a rocket launcher out a window at a bus for no apparent reason. The survivors were too high on cocaine to surrender and had to be (more)

More Features / Articles

This Week on Something Awful...

  • The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    The Fandangling Fables of Groggery Gibbonman

    'We’re going to be in trouble!' Little Sister wailed, clutching her favorite book to her chest and sobbing. 'This isn’t fun like a story anymore!' But Big Sister was not listening, she was thinking. She grabbed Little Sister’s book from her and ran into town, yelling 'Help! A book made me and my sister hurt someone!'

  • Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    Enter: the Lead Loremaster

    I've been wanting to meet you all for the past few weeks, but I guess I cut an intimidating figure. I'm the new guy, with the cool job you've all surely been gossiping about. Yep, I'm the Lead Loremaster, and I'm here to enrich everything we do with much-needed lore.

Copyright ©2014 Rich "Lowtax" Kyanka & Something Awful LLC.