The mall is a long distance from Melido Perez the Santa Lobster's house and it was an especially hot Christmas Eve night on the Sun, and so he took his lobster car. It was quiet that night, because it was the night before Christmas and everyone was asleep in their beds and filled with joy and happiness and Christmas spirit. As Melido Perez the Santa Lobster drove along, he smiled and thought about all the joy he would bring as Santa Lobster. However fate was not on his side this night, and he never arrived at the mall. A hippy was blocking the road, and he would not move "Please move hippy alien," Melido Perez the Santa Lobster asked "I have gifts to buy!"
"DOWN WITH CAPITALISM." The hippy replied.
"Okay." Said Melido Perez the Santa Lobster, and fell asleep.
In his dream, he would finally discover the true meaning of Christmas and it would change him entirely. It was as if his entire life had been leading up to this moment, and every success he had celebrated and every defeat he had mourned was nothing but a signpost on the road of his life that led to this event. For it was in this dream that he realized the true meaning of Christmas. The true meaning of Christmas is eating delicious cakes and pies around flaming barrels in alleyways in the terrible ravaged post-apocalyptic cities of the future. Merry Christmas one and all!
Boris was an analogy for Jesus okay.
The first phase of The Olive Garden's cyber rollout will introduce their Neverending Pneumatic Pasta Tube. This works on the same principal as bank drive-thru deposit tubes, but with unfrozen linguini and spaghetti.
Do you remember the crazy clothes and hair of the 1990s? Do you remember Crystal Pepsi and Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles? Do you remember where you hid the box your mother gave you?
It's still okay to like Ben Stiller, guys.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.