CHAPTER 1: THE BEGINNING OF THE STORY
Biff Strokinoff was in his Super Secret Spy Moon Car going 300 megamiles per cybersecond. He quickly shifted from ultra-ninth gear and moved the Moon Car into super turbo speed, quickly drawing energy from the quadlithium crystals he had quickly stored in the Super Secret Spy Moon Car Quadlithium Storage Tank in the back of the quick car. The evil UFOs that hovered above him continued their relentless assault on his vehicle, trying in vain to blow him off the moon (where this story takes place).
"These UFO menaces are coming fast and furious!" Biff shouted. "But they're no match for my Nuclear Assault Cannon!" He flipped a switch and sent a volley of plasma-based death up into the heavens, blowing the vile UFOs into tiny pieces. The debris rained down on the surface of the moon like pieces of debris hitting some kind of lunar surface below them.
"So long, suckers!" Biff shouted triumphantly.
"Sorry to see you evil UFOs fall to pieces!" chuckled the Super Secret Spy Moon Car which is able to talk like KITT from Knight Rider but is different than that car so don't accuse me of stealing that idea because this story is completely original despite what anybody else might say especially Jerry who is a complete moron and forgot to bring his shorts to gym class last week.
"Haha, good one!" Biff replied while setting coordinates for Lunar Base 07 Alpha Omega Zardoz. He couldn't wait to get back to the base to see his one true love, Ivanna Skrewyew, the Moon Princess of the Galaxy. As if able to read his mind, Ivanna's image instantly flashed on Biff's Trans-Commun-I-Tron 3000 Ultra screen, her beautiful picture bringing joy and horniness into Biff's throbbing... heart.
"Congratulations on shooting those evil UFOs!" Ivanna said, clutching her heaving bosoms and licking her lips. "You saved the Moon Gravity Mining Company from being destroyed! You'll get a promotion for this, Biff! You'll be rising to the rank of General in no time!"
"There's only one thing rising in this car, Ivanna, and it isn't my rank," Biff said seductively while running his hands along his well-formed pectoral muscles which I'm including in this sentence not because I'm gay but because I'm trying to say that Biff has a lot of muscles and he's strong and attractive for a man, so don't accuse me of being gay because I like women. You can ask Sarah at school. I don't have her email address, but I'll put it up later if I remember, okay?
"Ooh Biff, you make me so hot! My breasts are heaving for you! I'd love you even if my dad wasn't the Grand Emperor of the Whole Galaxy! Our love is cosmic!" Ivanna lustily replied in a very lusty tone. It didn't take a rocket scientist (which Biff was) to figure out Ivanna was full of lust for him. Biff had lust for Ivanna as well, probably the same amount as her. All in all, they were pretty equal lust-wise.
"Hey you two! Calm down before I push the cyber-brakes on this thing!" the Super Secret Spy Moon Car interjected. "Also, my name is SARAH which is a clever acronym so you don't have to refer to me as 'Super Secret Spy Moon Car' all the time."
"What does SARAH stand for again? I forgot." asked Biff while toggling the infrared heat seeking thermal regulator on the ultra-scan monitor.
"Super Assault Roving Amphibious Humvee!" SARAH replied while doing a quick lunar scan. "And you don't forget it, pardner!"
Biff laughed. "Haha, SARAH, you're the best! Now let's go back to Lunar Base 07 Alpha Omega Zardoz so I can bring Ivanna some man-steak for dinner!"
"You got it pardner!" Biff and SARAH rode off into the sunset.
The treacherous New England Patriots are guilty of deflating their footballs. We must punish them severely in the name of holy retribution. This transgression has been the biggest headline in the United States for an entire week, and it should be the primary concern of all nations.
We have used extensive market research to determine the average consumers of America's favorite rolls of caramel-oozing choco cysts.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.