CHAPTER 2: LUST IN SPACE
Biff docked SARAH at the Cyber-Delta 9 docking facility and walked into Lunar Base 07 Alpha Omega Zardoz. He removed his Oxygen Helmet Mask and let his long, silky hair fall onto his broad and masculine shoulders. Once again, I want to remind you that I'm not gay. Biff strode into the Lunar Lounge and ordered a Megabeer. He reclined his feet on the adjacent stool and let his gigantic, hulking muscles relax. I'm not gay.
Action in the whole bar seemed to suddenly come a halt when Ivanna appeared in the doorway wearing a revealing Ultraskirt and seductive Cyberstockings. Her perfectly formed, creamy white thighs slid across each other like wet balloons (not the fat kind, the long ones). Her beautiful, smooth skin gave off a radiance like a hot supernova right before it turns into a red giant. On top of her gigantic, perfectly formed breasts was her head, which was really sexy and attractive too. She had a perfect nose and pretty eyes and nice hair and cool earrings and her chin was nice too. And her fingers were long and slender, like hot dogs but only not as wide or full of pig parts. Ivanna walked into the room in a very sexy fashion and put her arm around Biff.
"Oh Biff, you saved the lives of all those innocent farmers and Lunar Miners at Lunar Base 07 Alpha Omega Zardoz! I'm so proud of you! And horny!" Ivanna said in a very sexy and seductive tone of voice.
"I was just doing my job, Ivanna, like any masculine and attractive (for a man) guy would do in my position," Biff replied while taking a swig of his Megabeer. "I'm no hero."
Ivanna suddenly stood up and grabbed Biff's arm, pulling him towards the door. "Let's go have sex in my cyber-apartment right now! I cannot resist you any longer!" Her eyes stared deep into Biff's soul. And his eyes too.
"Okay, but I should probably pay for this beer first," Biff replied while slapping down a ten dollar bill. In the future, ten dollar bills look a lot different than the money now. Because they're BLUE.
Ivanna and Biff used the GravTransPort to arrive at her apartment. She immediately took off her clothing so Biff could see her naked body. Ivanna's breasts were perfectly round, with nipples the size of Yoo-Hoo bottle caps or maybe large gumdrops. Biff looked down at her hypnotizing, sensual thighs and pubic hair which was shaved in the shape of a small "T" (which is the fashion of the future). She slid over to him and grabbed the back of his long, flowing, John Romero-like hair, pressing her white-chocolate face into his. She placed her lips on top of his and ran her tongue across his teeth, feeling the ridges and grooves of the battle scars various battles have left on Biff's teeth. Biff picked her up while still embracing her warm hands and moved to the ultrabed, where he proceeded to take off his moon suit and moon boots. Ivanna began to undulate with passion, undulating like she never undulated before. Biff slipped his cybernaughty part into Ivanna's secret place and they began the horizontal dance of love and passion.
Are we not allowed to be real parents anymore? We may have feared the CyborFreaks, but we damn well respected them and learned about boundaries.
A thousand years ago, dudes were dying from splinters, but now the wizard potion that cleans our light wounds costs less than a Dr. Pepper in 1994. I love this medicinal 7up.
Ron Paul spins in his chair, trying to grab his decorative antique musket but Freddy gets it first.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.