CHAPTER 5: DIAL "L" FOR "LUST"! AND THEN DIAL "I" AND "S" FOR "IN" AND "SPACE" RESPECTIVELY
"Haw haw haw! Damn that infernal Biff Strokenoff!" shouted the furious and evil and disgusting King Barglagoona from his Secret Command Headquarters. "He has defeated my Sonic Jetcar and all my evil UFOs! And I just realized that my name is now 'King Barglagoona' instead of 'King Grabualsa'! I have no idea why."
The king's science advisor, Mad Scientist Ernie, approached the King. "My lord, perhaps Jeff K. emailed in the story and changed your name but never gave a sufficient explanation to the person who's transcribing and editing the story, Mr. Rich 'Lowtax' Kyanka, who I hear is quite the sex stud."
"Haw haw haw, yes, perhaps that is indeed the reason!" bellowed King Barglagoona in a very evil tone of voice. "Now, Mad Scientist Ernie, perhaps you'd care to show me the new secret weapon you've been working on!"
"Yes my lord!" Mad Scientist Ernie walked over to a stainless steel-like table that wasn't made of stainless steel but instead some kind of futuristic moon metal. Mad Scientist Ernie took off the cover that was covering up something beneath it. "Viola! It's my newest weapon of mass destruction!" Beneath the cover was a very futuristic ray gun.
"Haw haw haw, what is it?" asked King Barglagoona while dripping slime and various evil things.
"It is the Kamikaze Lesbian Cannon!" responded Mad Scientist Ernie in a very ominous tone. "One shot of this gun's deadly beam turns whatever it hits into a sex-crazed lesbian!"
"Haw haw haw! What is so evil about that?" asked the king.
"Well after a session of hot, evil lesbian sex, the subject explodes in a rain of shrapnel and some kind of poison!" Mad Scientist Ernie replied while picking up the gun.
"Haw haw haw, I demand a demonstration!" demanded King Barglagoona. He pointed one of his slimy, grublike arms at a nearby toaster. "I demand you shoot this toaster oven at once!"
Given our society's obsession with stalking and ridiculing celebrities, it's tempting to seek a life of anonymity. But beware: not being famous has its own hidden costs.
Mass Effect: Andromeda turns its nose up at the original trilogy's rigid morality. It boasts a more nuanced and intellectually compelling shades-of-grey approach in which a heart icon pops up when it's time to tell an alien to take their clothes off.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.