"Yes sir!" Mad Scientist Ernie zapped the toaster oven. In a matter of seconds, a green glow began to glow from the futuristic household appliance, filling it with lesbian lust. At once, it jumped into the air and run headfirst towards King Barglagoona's microwave, which in the future is called a "zappowave". Mad Scientist Ernie shot the zappowave as well. The lesbian toaster and zappowave began a fit of mad passion.
"The Kamikaze Lesbian Cannon was set to 'Alt.Erotica Newsgroups', so just sit back and watch the fun!" shouted Mad Scientist Ernie over the screams coming from the toaster.
The zappowave got right to the hardcore action and opened its door so the toaster had easy access. The toaster slid up to the zappowave's eagerly-awaiting opening and dipped it's power cord inside. It moved the cord around, sliding along the edges of the zappowave's insides, feeling every moist and slick area it had to offer. Numbers and cooking times for baked potatoes flashed up on the zappowave's LED, and it's fan began pumping air like it never pumped before. The toaster couldn't get enough, laying on top of the zappowave and pushing as much of it's power cord inside as it could. Before long, the zappowave was full of the toaster's power cord, and they both began to undulate with passion.
Soon the zappowave took the dominant position, pushing over the toaster and riding on top of it. It's big, hefty, zappowave-resistant plate came out and slowly found it's way into the toaster's eagerly awaiting toast-holes. In and out, in and out, a rhythmic fury of lust and electricity filled the air. After a few minutes, the toaster and zappowave reached their peak, ready to explode at any moment. And they did explode, filling King Barglagoona's lair with destructive and deadly shrapnel. But he and Mad Scientist Ernie didn't get hurt because King Barglagoona put an invisible shield up before they shot the ray gun and I forgot to write it in. So I'm writing it now.
"Haw haw haw, this invention is your best yet!" proclaimed King Barglagoona in a triumphant tone. "Even better than the 'Biorifle' you created for that one game which we all know is for idiots and men who are attracted to other men. You will get a promotion for this!"
"I live to serve you, master!" responded Mad Scientist Ernie while he cleaned up the deadly shrapnel. He could clean it up because King Barglagoona took down the invisible force field. I forgot to include that before too. Sorry.
"Haw haw haw, now let's mount this cannon and put an end to that infernal Biff Strokenoff and his infernal car SARAH!"
"Yes! The mounting shall begin, master" They began to do some mounting.
Your lair. Maybe you lure victims to it, maybe you hide in it between killings, or maybe you haunt it 24/7 because you’re tragically confined by a curse. Whatever the situation, for most of us monsters, a living/un-living space is an important part of our identities. In this column, Monstergeddon award winners share their lair tips and techniques!
Works great on my child, who hasn't barked at all for as long as she's worn the apparatus. When she turns three, we will remove it for a trial period.
The famed gonzo otaku journalist writes about the death of gaming culture in 2014.
Try not to break your console while I try not to break my cyber brain.
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