CHAPTER 6: A RACE AGAINST TIME! AND DEATH! BUT MOSTLY TIME!
Biff Strokenoff was pushing SARAH's pedal to her metal, racing across the lunar surface of the moon like a large boulder traveling down the side of a hill (except he wasn't going downhill, he was going on level ground, but traveling very fast. Like the boulder would be). Biff had to hurry up because if he didn't reach King Barglagoona's lair in five hours, then Ivanna would be thrown into the cyber-shark pit! No wait, actually that wouldn't happen, Jeff changed the story from that idea. Oh yeah, the King would kill her dad. And blow up the Earth. Or the moon. Whatever.
SARAH was blowing across the moon at 500 cyber nanites per globometer, leaving a trail of moontireprints behind them. The evil King Barglagoona's castle was rising into view in the distance, like a big, black, hulking, black mass of blackened charcoal that was shaped into the form of a large castle.
"SARAH! Engage the Ultra Humanoid 4000 Detector! Set it to 'The King'!" shouted Biff.
"You got it, pardner!" SARAH replied while scanning the castle for any kingy lifeforms.
"Ha ha, SARAH, you're the best!" laughed Biff.
Suddenly, a blast of green energy burst from the castle, directly towards Biff and his high tech car. He didn't have any time to maneuver out of the way, and SARAH was soon encased in vile green energy. Her control panel began to buzz and hum, changing colors and displaying all kinds of gibberish on the LCD screens.
"Oh no SARAH, what happened?" asked Biff, concerned that something might have happened to SARAH.
"I don't... know, I... reckon!" SARAH stammered while swerving back and forth. "I'm feeling... a bit... woozy..."
Suddenly music by the Indigo Girls began to blast from her speakers. Biff looked at SARAH in horror.
"SARAH, what's going on?" Biff tried the car door handles, but he was locked in. "SARAH, what's going on?"
TOTAL WRECK - crazy-eyed hound is covered in cobwebs, has a vespiary on back, graffiti on side and savage thirst for boat fuel. Frankly, I'm in over my head. He's in room 115 at Motel 6, yours free. 555-2851
Yes, it's the perfect form for surviving a car crash. But it's also the perfect form for so much more, like surviving the trauma of reading any news headline in 2016.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.