All of these years I always wondered what sort of music the editors at Encyclopedia Britannica liked and whether or not they self-identified as an encyclopedia editor with autism. That staid institution of knowledge could never slake my thirst for biographical information on encyclopedia contributors. Luckily, a nest of bickering morons and petty admins came along that allowed me to really get to know my encyclopedia editors. I refer, of course, to Wikipedia, and thanks to the fine folks there I have come to learn that I hate almost all of my encyclopedia editors.
For our inaugural installment of New Media Hell I decided to try to find a serious Wikipedia article that still captured the endless and pointless arguments that Wikipedia has taught us all to know and love. It turned out to be as easy as typing the name of a random element on the Periodic Table into Wikipedia's search feature. This installment's argument is over:
Several Wikipedians (that's what they actually like being called) are even now engaging in a heated and often unfriendly debate over the correct spelling of sulfur. Read on to discover the exciting conclusion. Spoiler alert: there is never a conclusion on Wikipedia. Arguments keep going and going, good articles are deleted for petty reasons and terrible articles spread unchecked like a pestilence. This goes on until you wake up one morning and math has ceased to exist, having been entirely replaced by a series of 580 cross-referenced articles on the Legends expansion for Magic: The Gathering.
Welcome to the future of information!
Genuine self-consciousness is painful to look at and doubly so when it's immortalized on video. That makes me wonder why self-conscious teenagers seem to have no problem baring their flaws to the entire world, forever, thanks to YouTube. These poor dumb bastards are going to be running for Senate and teaching junior high school in 20 years. They're going to have to face the fact that there is a video of them in underpants dancing to Crazy Frog or screaming at their mom.
In this segment I would like to celebrate these self-conscious teens by finding the videos that provoke the most visceral of shame chills in the shortest possible time. This first foray into the world of cringing I bring you "Ugh. braces :/" by EmotionalXfailurE. If you're a teenager you should practically begin to harmonize with her shame waves. If you're no longer a teenager then you still might have trouble watching all twelve seconds of this video.
I think it was easier to sit through the Nick Berg beheading video.
Simply put, if I had Johnny Manziel’s physical gifts, you better believe I would be there in the Weight Room, getting to bed early, doing whatever I had to do to be the best possible athlete I could be. I wouldn't be posting on social media about sucking titties. I wouldn't even look at a titty, buddy. I'd look at a titty and see two big footballs.
A real friend doesn't move until the middle of August, ensuring temperatures in the 90s and a humidity that turns boxers into moist balls of ruined cotton.
Expendable? You must be joking.
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