Then it hit me. After reading the news post on the Shugashack regarding the woman who was banned from Everquest due to writing an "offensive" piece of fan fiction, an idea popped into my mind... one that would surely get my money back from Sony. I would hunt down Gordon Wrinn and hit him in the face with a cinder block! Then I thought of an even better idea - if I could write fan fiction that was offensive enough to Verant / Sony / Everquest, hopefully they'd ban my account and I would never have to worry about paying nearly $10 a month for something I never play! With this in mind, may I present to you my Everquest fan fiction story, "The Legend of Brad and Gordon: Two Haunted Evil Trolls Who Would Probably Beat Handicapped Children if They Had the Opportunity."
CHAPTER ONE - JUST DESERTS!
It was a dark night in Freeport when Brad and Gordon made their trek across the Oasis. It was in fact so dark that many citizens were using EQ Macros Nightscope or the EQ Macros On-Screen Map to properly navigate around Norrath. However, the two infamous trolls Brad and Gordon, who were very fat and dumb and stupid and fat and ugly and stupid and fat and dumb and smelly and stupid and ugly, shunned these useful applications and decided instead to waddle through Oasis like the fat mongoloids they were.
"Duh, hey Brad, how come we been walkin' for 50 minutes but we aint got to Freeport yet?" asked Gordon while taking a moment to attend to a particularly important itch on his rear end.
"I dunno, Gordon! My intelligence is very low an I cant figure it out cuz I'm so dumb just lik in real life!" Soon Brad looked up into the sky and realized something. "Hey Gordon! We've been running face-first into a large rock for the past hour or so! No wonder we haven't been getting anywhere!"
Gordon stopped walking in place and turned to face what he thought was Brad, but was actually a specter. "Brad, I don't like it here! It's creepy an I can't see nothin' and all I've been doing is talkin to you an I don't know where I am!"
Brad started rotating around 360 degrees while somehow never picking up his feet from the ground. "But Gordon, were being SOCIAL! Being lost and SOCIAL is what the land of Norrath is all about!"
Suddenly the specter turned and killed both of them with one mighty swing of its scepter.
"Oh good, we died, that's the other thing Norrath is all about," Brad muttered while looking at his body from a camera hovering above his fresh corpse.
The singer dove off the stage and crowd surfed in a sort of reverse funeral procession where the person being carried is the only one truly alive. Touching him I felt religious ecstasy and started speaking in tongues and requesting songs that didn't exist.
There's no easy way to put this, so I'll tell it like it is. Bouillon is died. He went missing before the weekend and yesterday I found his skeletonized remains at the bottom of the #3 soup vat during one of my swims. I thought the cream of mushroom soup had an especially nourishing taste, and a lot more clumps of fur and skin than usual.
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