Chapter Two - The Petals of a Lusty Flower Thrice Quenched
Daring the Scarlet entered the tavern like a tornado enters a trailer park. Everyone immediately looked in the direction of his entourage of pirate scoundrels and then gasped. Then a doublewide trailer lifted up off the ground, did a 360 in the air and landed the parking lot of a Wal-Mart, spilling its contents of canned beans, bastard children, and car magazines. Daring the Scarlet smirked and walked over to the bar to order a pitcher of the finest terrible watered-down ale that the establishment had to offer. His party of pirates followed him, grumbling, shoving, and brandishing daggers and cutlasses in a menacing fashion.
"Give me ten pints of your finest ale barkeep," laughed Daring the Scarlet, slapping a gold coin down onto the counter.
Snake O'Rapist took the coin and muttered to himself, walking toward the door into the back and concerned more with formulating a plan to successfully rob his finest serving wench of her innocence. Much to Snake O'Rapist's surprise, Holly was already in the beer storage area preparing to open another barrel. Since Daring the Scarlet was in the building Snake O'Rapist decided to take this opportunity to molest his beautiful young serving wench. He could have chosen any time, including when the two of them were alone in the tavern at closing time, but because he is so goddamn intelligent he chose right when a pirate captain was waiting for his ale.The unattractive and smelly Snake O'Rapist was not an agent empowerment for Holly.He crept up behind Molly as she prepared to swing a mallet to tap one of the kegs of beer. Just as she was about to strike, Snake grabbed the head of the mallet and pulled it across her bare neck applying enough force to choke her but not strangulate her.
"Now yer gonna be despoiled my pretty," he wheezed into her ear, his breath smelling like hot vomit and corpses.
He roughly grabbed the sleeve of her blouse and pulled it down, revealing her flawless snow-white skin. He slobbered and kissed her there, pulling the mallet handle tight to stifle her cries. She struggled to get away and kicked his shin but she was no match for his strength. With a violent motion he tore the front of her corset and blouse, revealing much of the top of her heaving bosom. He stood back for a moment and laughed maniacally at the sight, her twin orbs of splendor rising with her terrified breaths, her face flushed from strangulation. It was just like the fantasy he had the night before while on a web site that featured faked celebrity bondage pictures. Snake had strangled himself with his belt and stroked his turgid polearm until a volcano of passion erupted all over his computer keyboard and he nearly passed out from autoerotic asphyxiation.
Suddenly, the door behind Snake O'Rapist burst open with the force of a hurricane and in stepped Daring the Scarlet, looking even more dashing than usual thanks to the light coming in at just the right angle. Holly sobbed dramatically at the sight of him and Snake O'Rapist's evil smile faded from his grotesque face.
"Your days of manhandling women are over, ugly!" Laughed Daring the Scarlet as he punched Snake O'Rapist right in his very ugly face.
Snake flew across the room like that cardinal that keeps ramming into my window all the time, like every day it just keeps flying into it until it knocks itself unconscious, only Snake hit the wall and not a window. Then a keg of beer fell from the rack directly onto his head and knocked him unconscious.
"Are you okay?" Daring the Scarlet asked, giving Holly a comforting look.
She nodded and started to pull her blouse up to cover herself better.
"Oh no," said Daring as he took her upper arms roughly in his hands, "I have saved you from this beast and now you will be semi-raped by an attractive man. You will enjoy it and fall madly in love with me and then I will take you away from this terrible place and put you in a subservient role that empowers your simple house-frau sensibilities because you're accompanying a dashing man of adventure such as me."
Holly could only nod.
The Remains of Bidet (James Ivory, 1993)
We might find we have more in common than we think if we just stop fighting long enough to combine our bodies into a singular organism.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.