As recent tech news reports have printed across the globe, an anonymous donor recently contributed $200,000 to "The Xbox Linux Project," a contest which challenges computer-savy programmers to port the Linux operating system to Microsoft's Xbox console. Drooling braindead Slashdot fans immediately adjusted their eyewear and began tinkering on the monumental task to do the unthinkable: install a rival operating system on Microsoft's own proprietary machine. However, most Linux users have experienced the same result in their Xbox project as they have with attempting to talk to any members of the opposite sex: utter and complete failure. With the idea of simultaneously "one upping" zombie Linux zealots across the globe while earning a fat $200,000 paycheck, we here at Something Awful bought ourselves an Xbox and got cracking. With utmost pride and excitement, I would like to take this moment to announce that we have successfully installed Linux on the Microsoft Xbox and are the official winners of the Xbox Linux Project. Since we're sure many of you might be skeptical of our claims, we have assembled this step-by-step article detailing the process of the Linux installation process.

PROJECT: LINUXBOX

TOOLS YOU WILL NEED:

(1) 22 degree plastic collated full-round-head nail Round Head Framing Nailer Kit
(17) 'M' Style Quick Coupler: 1/4" Female Plugs
(31) Bottles of beer on the wall
(1) 15x15x15" piece of plywood
(1) Trowel Trade Tools 13602 Pattern Pistol Gun & Hopper
(1) IR1033 3/8" Stubby Standard Duty Air Ratchet Wrench
(2) 8 Gallon Wheeled Portable Compressors (or (3) 6 Gallon Wheeled Portable Compressors)
(560) Feet of Redlined Streamcoil Cable
(19) 1/8" Metal rod dowel flanges
(1) Loaded shotgun
(12) Blessed silver bullets (in case werewolves attack you while modifying the unit)
(10) 1/16" Wooden metal dowel rod flanges
(2) 100" x 100" patches of piecework carbonplated stretch fabric
(9) 1/17" Doweled metal flanging rods
(10) 5-gallon buckets of flame retardant paint remover
(2) Trilateral universal monopotant swivel trowels
(1) Garden hose
(14) White ghosting removal plates ((15) if unit used is Canadian Xbox)
(6) 5/19" Plench
(10) Various markers used to mark various things
(25) Feet of PVC piping (20" diameter)
(100) Feet of Yorba Linda certified water pressure component hose (w/ valve and routing attachments)
(21) Tubes of E-Poxy Permanent Bonding Solution Glue (blue variety)
(1) Decal of retarded Linux Penguin that you placed on your computer box to show everybody how cool and alternative you were by running a "non mainstream" OS
(1) Strand of Michael J. Fox's hair

TOOLS YOU WILL NOT NEED:

(2) Leeches

INSTRUCTIONS:

Step One: Place a 15x15x15" piece of plywood on the floor of your garage, making sure to remove all flammable materials and objects before even thinking about doing anything else. If necessary, store all flammable materials and objects inside the room of a sleeping family member or friend. Use one of your various markers to draw a 2" border surrounding the "construction zone" inside the plywood which will dedicate this area to the construction of the Power Matrix Unit Converter (referred to as the "Combine Retrograft" from Steps Five - Nine). Place all tools behind a fireproof steel wall to ensure they do not come into contact during arc welding process or when primary IDE controller is converted to WarpOS/2 - BeOS compatible drive. Make sure to have your primary secondary boot disc (correctly partitioned as mentioned in preface of tech spec article 1290.128-A.02 - 2023.192-C.10. By rotating the lower top 1/8" metal rod dowel flange 24 degrees counterclockwise, the Xbox console boot sequence should engage as mentioned in previously referred tech spec articles which can be found online by using the Internet or the World Wide Web, whichever is faster at the time. Keep in mind that this procedure could take up to 40 minutes due to the size of the Xbox (lol, the Xbox is so gigantic, lol).

Diagram 1

Attach 200 feet of the Redlined Streamcoil Cable to the Proximation Processing Device (PPC) and siphon the extra voltage through the garden hose, depositing it into a safe body of water or nearby individual who believes they want some additional voltage. This process can take between 10 minutes or 10 months depending on the spacing of slip planes in the metal rod dowel flange, so make sure all units are properly crystallized before beginning to assemble the PPC's backup unit. Once the reversal procedure has been completed on the PPC, use your PVC piping to route passenger baggage to the claim terminal located in section A-20.

NOTE: AT THIS POINT THE VOLTAGE SWITCH SHOULD BE SET TO "10 SMS" AND MUST NOT BE SET TO "10 MSM" WHICH WILL RESULT IN UNIT FAILURE AND POSSIBLE BODILY HARM. DO NOT WEAR GLOVES DURING THIS PROCESS.

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