Kendra Zodiaciller has been a black woman for the last 39 years of her life. She is a black mom to three black kids and she raised them black. In America.
Us: What can you tell us about the black mom experience?
Kendra Zodiaciller: Well, of course I am a single mother struggling to raise three kids on one job. I don't have time to keep an eye on all of the kids so they get into all sorts of trouble.
Us: What sort of trouble?
Kendra Zodiaciller: Last time it was Scarface the youngest he got arrested by a game warden for throwing syringes at a North American Condor. It's a protected bird.
Us: What happened to him?
Kendra Zodiaciller: Triple life, but he got let out early since he only blinded the bird and gave it Hepatitis and didn't kill it. Prison had to make room for a guy that sexually tortures cranes.
Us: What about your other children?
Kendra Zodiaciller: Tupac and Lil' Hart are good boys.
Us: Lil' Hart?
Kendra Zodiaciller: Yeah, I named him after Basil Liddell Hart. He's my youngest.
Us: What's the hardest part about being a single mother of three dangerous black youths?
Kendra Zodiaciller: Finding time in the day to keep up with my crack cocaine hobby. I have to work so much and make the kids dinner, sometimes a black mom just wants to relax on a filthy mattress on the floor and do some crack while you can hear a baby cryin' in the background and sirens in the distance and then it fade to black or your kid looks in and sees you all messed up and he walks away...
Us: Sounds depressing.
Kendra Zodiaciller: Oh, it is, but we're black. We lead joyless lives of oppression and mediocrity. We die young and we black moms all too often outlive our black children.
Fact: Soledad O'Brien is like 1/70th BLACK so that makes all of this OK.
Up Next on BLACK IN AMERICA... Why Martin Luther King is non-scary to whites now and how Barack Obama could make life worse for blacks if he gets elected as President.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
As the 19th century diver approaches a giant clam, a flash of brilliant golden light flares from within the shell. I emerge in a swirl of bubbles and do the timeless universal underwater hand signals for the following: ZODIAC KILLER, KKK, BLOOD OF YOUTH
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.