CHAPTER 2: TERRIFYING TERROR!
The Elron HoverCar docked at Sci-Base 7, and Chase quickly got out. One of the Purifaction Rundown members, a new recruit, stared admiringly at him. "Oh Chase, one day I home to be as clear as you!" he purred. "Don't worry there, gentle underling. One day after you win the lottery or sell all your possessions, you too will be able to reach the orgasmic heights of being an OT III member. Then you'll be able to finally free your body of those meddling Thetans!" As if on cue, the man's chest suddenly exploded, sending a shower of guts and entrails all over a two mile radius, even longer if you use the Metric system. Chase stepped back in horror, wondering what happened to cause such a horribly horrifying scene of horror. He quickly remembered to put on his LA Ron Hubbard Style sunglasses, which revealed a horrifyingly horrible scene of horror: a Thetan was intertwined in the poor dead person's body!
"Haw haw haw!" laughed the Thetan. "You're too late, Chase! We're bustin' out, copper, and we're going to free our god Xenu from the mountain where he was imprisoned like, a really long time ago! Your correct and true religion doesn't stand a chance against us!" Chase furrowed his brow (which was previously not furrowed) and began to laugh.
"Oh silly Thetan. Your kind doesn't stand a chance. When will you ever learn that evil never wins?" As if on cue from the cue before, a sentry of Legal Attack Squadron lawyers rushed out from the entrance of the SCI-Base 7 headquarters, brandishing legal documents which named the Thetan as the plaintiff in a series of copyright violations. The Thetan immediately realized he was outmanned and began to retreat.
"You might have won this time, Chase, but we'll be back! And no amount of clarity in the world is going to save you from Xenu!" cackled the Thetan as he floated off to, I don't know, somewhere else I guess. Chase thanked the Legal Attack Squadron and went inside the glorious floating SCI-Base 7, which (as stated before) is glorious and floating over the Atlantic Ocean. Also it's got a bunch of cool stuff in it like missiles and this huge green laser beam cannon which does something that will like totally blow you away, but we can't tell you about it until you reach OT III. He walked through the hallway made out of solid gold until he reached the hallway made out of solid platinum which intersected with a hallway made of something that's even more expensive than platinum. Chase scanned his MindCard and entered the SCI-Base 7 command room. He instantly saw the silhouette of Clair, which was currently in the same area that Clair was standing, only it was a lot darker than she normally is. She turned around and greeted Chase.
"Greetings, Chase!" she said while Chase looked at her so he could think about her various features. He first thought about Clair's round, smooth face and perfect skin. Then he thought about her beautiful brown eyes and long silky hair. Then he thought about her perfectly formed breasts and firm, rigid nipples. And although Chase didn't think about it, Clair also had a butt that didn't quit. She ran up to Chase and hugged him, pressing her taut breasts against his washboard abs. Chase thought back to the time he and Clair did something that was memorable. He quickly stopped thinking about the past because he needed to be concerned about the two things that weren't the past: the present and the future.
"Clair, what fiendish plots do the Thetans have up their sleeves this time?" Chase asked while staring into Clair's gorgeous blue eyes.
"Chase, it's the moment we all feared! They're planning a mass assault to free Xenu from his Eternal Mountain Prison!" Clair exclaimed in horror or maybe terror.
"Oh no, not the Eternal Mountain Prison! Not... ZOMBIE MOUNTAIN!" Chase also exclaimed in horror or maybe terror.
"Yes, they're planning to deactivate the force field battery in Zombie Mountain, freeing their dark overlord and throwing the entire universe into a new dark age of darkness!" Clair pressed a button on her L. Ron workstation, causing an impressive series of numbers and lines to float around on the monitor. "By looking at this data, we think we only have four hours until Xenu escapes! You've got to go to Zombie Mountain and defeat the Thetans once and for all!"
"Although I don't comprehend the seemingly random numbers, letters, and symbols flying around your computer screen, I do know that this is risky. Clair, it's a risk. But it's a risk I'm willing to take for the sake of all mankind," responded Chase. "The world is never truly safe until we Scientomologologists have eradicated all sources of Thetan evil. It's a war which we've been waging for millions of years, and it's a war that will soon stop. I have the power to crush these alien foes once and for all, and my spirit will make sure I don't stop until I stop. For years we have lived in abject terror, under the fear of the Thetan menace, but soon that will all change. Our strength, our veracity, our courage will not be-"
"Chase," interrupted Clair. "Just go already."
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.