ISDH - International Superstar David Hasselhoff
ISPA - International Superstar Pamela Anderson
Hi-tech Baywatch guard tower interior. Some ladies in bikinis are working on various "scientific" equipment like TI-81 calculators and Etch-A-Sketches with wires glued to them. ISDH walks in, wearing red Speedos, a dress shirt, and a cowboy hat.
ISDH: Hi gang, just got back from a party, does my comical appearance amuse you?
ALL: (Laughs in unison for a bit too long)
ISDH: Well, big breasted co-star Pamela Anderson, what crimes have recently occurred on the beach?
ISPA: Well, Mr. Knight, there was a fat person who almost took his shirt off in sector 8D.
Random 105-lb, tan woman in bikini: Icky!
ISDH: Woah! Did you get to him in time?
ISPA: No... by the time the Bimbo Strike Force Squad assembled, his gut had already leaked out from his tank top. Two fragile models had to be rushed to the hospital and have their eyes washed out with bleach.
ISDH: It's a tragedy... (begins to weep) I mean, can't we all learn to coexist without infringing upon the rights of the beautiful? (Looks up to sky, at camera. Slow music begins to play) I'd like to sing a song about living in peace, which, by the way, is available on my new CD, "David Hasselhoff's Smooth Jams", that has sold over 2 million copies in three days, and has gone platinum in Yugoslavia and the Baltic Republic.
(Begins to sing, which isn't really "singing", but just him speaking slowly and a bunch of reverb used to draw out the words so it sounds vaguely like he has a singing ability)
This world is nice,
This world is neat,
This world is great,
I love to run across the beach in slow motion with no shirt on.
(cut to flashback of him running across the beach in slow motion. Suddenly loud sirens and flashing lights bring ISDH back to reality. Music cuts off)
ISDH: What's that? Who interrupted my memories of me showing off my large, well oiled pectoral muscles?
Bimbo #1: (Rushes into room holding little kid. He's alternately crying and screaming while looking directly at the camera the entire time)
ISDH: Oh no! A poor, helpless little girl!
Kid: I'm a boy!
ISDH: Ah yes. A poor, helpless little boy! What happened, Bimbo #1?
Bimbo #1: This little girl -
Bimbo: - fell off a cliff into the ocean. He was horsing around with his friends by "Dead Man's Cliff", even though the sign posted there says "NO HORSING AROUND". Then he couldn't swim right, because he ate less than 30 minutes before falling in. Then some underwater jellyfish poachers blew up some dynamite and it shot rock shrapnel into her leg!
Kid: "His"! HIS leg!
Bimbo: Yeah, and anyway then some poisonous fish bit her, I mean him, and he was sucked into a whirlpool and lightning stuck him and then a 1956 Ford Thunderbird fell out of the sky and landed on him.
ISDH: Quick! This kid needs 49 cc's of HypoOxyTriGlutermate. (Pulls out vial from Speedo that is labeled "H6OP3Q2Fe22". He empties it into the kid's mouth)
Kid: Thanks, mister! (Gets up and walks out)
ISDH: That was close!
ISPA: TOO close!
(Various people nod their heads. You can see the shadow of the cameraman towards the bottom of the screen)
Sir Mix-a-Lot's classic follow up to "Baby Got Back" has serious unintended consequences.
"Really, Holmes!" I dropped into my seat, shocked. "You are remarkably tall! What are you, six foot six? Six foot eight?"
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.