Upscale restaurant, conveniently located on the beach. ISDH is talking to some generic, attractive, slender, tan woman who's teeth are reflecting enough light to highlight the glistening sweat on David Hasselhoff's manly brow. He is wearing a neatly pressed tuxedo, with Speedos on the outside.
ISDH: ...And then I said, "You're soaking in it!"
Bimbo #2: Oh, International Superstar David Hasselhoff, you are so charming! It's no wonder that your records have gone gold in Moldavia and Finland!
ISDH: And don't forget the former Ukraine Republic!
(Suddenly some robbers burst into the restaurant, brandishing whatever weapons the studio had left over from the previous show of "La Femme Nikita". One of the robbers goes out of his way to push some customer out of his seat and onto the floor. The camera goes to a low angle to film it.)
Robber #1: OK, everybody drop to the floor and put all your jewelry into this bag! (He pulls out a bag with a dollar sign written on it in black)
Bimbo #2: Better do what he says, Michael Knight! (She drops to the floor and throws her 15-lb diamond ring into the bag)
ISDH: Not this time, Bimbo #2. Not - this - time! (He grabs a glass of water from the table, and using his MacGyvver-like intellect, makes a bomb out of it, table salt, some lobster meat, and a stick of dynamite he pulls out of his speedos.)
Robber #2: (wearing ski mask) Mmph mmp mmm mmumbr.
Old Lady: What? We can't understand you! Take off your ski mask!
Robber #2: MMPH MMMAR MMOOO! (Fires gun into the air. This makes everybody in the restaurant scream for some reason)
ISDH: That was just the distraction I needed! (He lobs his homemade bomb over the table, and it strikes one of the robbers. A huge explosion blows through the restaurant and the gun flies out of the robber's hand. ISDH takes this opportunity to jump up and punch the second robber in the nose. Robber #2 collapses to the floor, unconscious. But Robber #3 is too far away, and grabs a senile old man hostage.)
Robber #3: Don't move, or the old man gets it!
Old Man: Charlie? Is that you, Charlie? Are we going to the dog track?
ISDH: It's just like you criminal masterminds to prey on the weak and elderly and the impotent and the stupid and the fat defenseless people!
Old Man: Huh? Speak into my good ear, Lenny! (Points to his hearing aid in his left ear)
Robber #3: Ok, I'm leaving, and don't you try to stop me with another one of your clever tricks!
ISDH: (Throws a gold necklace up into the air) Here, CATCH!
Robber #3: (Drops the old man to catch the necklace. After he grabs it, he realizes his FATAL MISTAKE. ISDH rushes over to him and knocks him out of the window. Cut to stock footage of some guy, wearing different clothing, falling out of a business office window)
ISDH: Whew. That was close!
EVERYBODY IN RESTAURANT: TOO CLOSE!
Bimbo #2: You saved us!
ISDH: Yes I did. This would be a good time to promote my new show, "Baywatch Nights" which features me solving various Hardy Boys style crimes in essentially all the same sets we used today. And look for the upcoming miniseries, "Baywatch 2000", a brief yet positive look at the future of Baywatch!
Bimbo #2: 5:00 on channel 13, every Wednesday?
Old Man: Huh? The CIRCUS?!? (confused) Where the hell are my shoes?
Are you concerned that you may be a character trapped in a Tom Waits song? Be smart and learn the warning signs before it's too late. Also, it's too late. It has always been too late.
I'm haunted by a recurring vision of a skeleton flipping me off. To avoid seeing this terrifying image in bumper sticker form, I pay someone with a blank bumper to drive in front of me at all times.
Featured articles and columns that don't fit anywhere else on Something Awful.